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Twi... Ugh.

Posted Jul 23 2010 3:59pm

Tw*light (hereafter referred to as "T"). We've all heard of it. My sister had me watch the three movies with her. A strange thing happened and it's now on my last freaking nerve. I haven't been able to get that story/movie out of my head. I went from a T hater to a T-something-else. I don't love it, I'm not infatuated with it, I sure as hell don't think the acting is anything to write home about, and I sure as hell don't dream of being with an undead vampire. I'm not *that* crazy. But I don't know how to get it out of my head and detached from my thoughts.

So I read the fourth book on my Kindle app on my iPhone in less than a day. I watched the first two movies again. I cannot seem to stop thinking about it. Running the images and stories through my head. What is most bizarre, is that this shit actually upsets me. A lot. I am emotionally affected by it in a not-so-great way. And I have NO idea why. It's not like the story has a sad ending or anything. The idiots live happily ever after and nobody from the family or any loved ones die. So what the hell is up with me? Why am I drawn to watch it over and over, read about it, and ALWAYS think about it?

The emotional effect... it's like a sadness, hurt, anxiety, lonesome, longing, troubled, unsettled, and empty sensation all wrapped into one nice package. One can easily extrapolate that when I think about this crap these emotions then fill my insides. Clearly this isn't a super fun experience.

I would give ten bucks if someone could tap into my brain and give me a rational explanation for my incredibly irrational reaction to this saga. T isn't great. It isn't one of my favorite media genres. And I am deeply affected by it.

Dude. I feel like a complete freaking weirdo. And I'm pretty tired of feeling like shit because of these pale-ass characters.

***

Okay, I have one tiny theory that just crept into my head after writing the first part of this post. My exhusband, we met in high school at 14, married at 18, and I filed for divorce at 20 (speaking of which, yesterday was my six-year anniversary of the day I finally pulled my head out of my ass!). The divorce almost killed me. The reaction that female character has after her blood-sucker leaves her in the second film, her night-time screams of anguish and pain, he monologue about the hole in her chest, and her reaction in general to his leaving reminds me of the time immediately following my filing for divorce, and what lasted long after. Especially her screams at night. When I first saw those scenes my eyes teared up and the past vividly came back to me. Hell look at me now, tears rolling down my face. There is something about her acting after the breakup that hits home for me in a big way. It's also how I was after I moved from the state I had moved to and lived with J back to my home state. I had the same reactions, emotions, and things, sat on my bed and felt like my chest was being ripped apart. With the exhub (D) and J, it was my choice to leave. Yet it wasn't like I was leaving a fairly tale romance either. But still.

So my leading (and only) theory is that the story brought to life my past with D and all of the feelings associated with the relationship and subsequent divorce that I have worked so hard to suppress and move on from. And I have, I don't miss him, I don't think about him, and I can be a little creep and look at his facebook page without the slightest pangs of jealousy or envy for his new wife. The strongest emotion I have is a deep gratitude that I am no longer that girl with him, or the girl I was once upon a time.

Another thought, perhaps it is not just that I felt the way the girl in the movie did about the guy (when they were together and after the breakup) but also the way he felt about *her* in return. That is what I longed for in D. And with J. I couldn't find that and the footing was always unequal. So maybe it is part the pain she went through mirroring my own past, and also her having the one thing I yearned for during those adolescent years of my own.

Hmm.

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