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Trying to muster up the nerve

Posted Apr 11 2009 1:03am



Today DD and I met with DD's therapist again. DD has been doing really well, so we didn't have much to discuss with her therapist. DD wanted to draw on the white board in the therapist's office, so she (the therapist) and I went into another room and talked a little about DH.

I told her about how much better DH is doing, but that he still isn't back where he was. I said, "He's not where he was 5 years ago yet, but he's doing a lot better than he was last year." I think that's pretty accurate.

Then I talked with her about DH's work situation (or lack thereof). She (the therapist) is of the opinion that DH will improve greatly if I (we) can get him back to work. I told her about how I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on him, and that if he could work, he would, and she agreed with me. I told her that sometimes I don't know how to be a good wife--if I remind him five times to go look for a job, one day I'm nagging him, and the next day, I remind him five times, and he's grateful, because he forgot to do it (all five times). So when I told her I had decided to just assume that he wasn't going to be working soon, and she asked me about the jobs guy. I told her what I knew, and she believes (and I think she's right) that DH is presenting himself to the jobs guy as more capable and more independent than he really is right now. That he probably hates to admit that he needs help to work. And so he "talks the talk" and says all the right things to the jobs guy, so the jobs guy thinks all DH really needs to do is go out and apply. But DH really needs some more support than that. He probably needs someone to actually place him in a job, and it needs to be a job that he can succeed in, and a job where, if DH has a "bad day", and breaks down crying or something like that, it will be understood.

DD's therapist strongly urged me to contact the jobs guy myself and tell him what I see and think about DH. Kind of like I did with the NP before DH got put on the Lithium. It really sounds like something I need to do. But it also feels so wrong!
I would never ever "interfere" with my husband's job search/work life before this. It's a boundary that I would never dream of crossing. Intellectually, I know that this is more of a mental health issue than a "work" issue, but when I start imagining myself actually calling up the jobs guy and telling him about DH, I feel kind of like a traitor, anyhow. And it's not something I think of consciously, it's more like a physical aversion to the thought. I just am having a tough time bringing myself to do it. I'm hoping that if I keep mulling over it, that on Monday, I'll be able to give that guy a call and put a bug in his ear. It seems like it would be so easy, doesn't it?

It's kind of (but not really) a similar thing to the people in town here that have given DH a "charge" account. What those "accounts" are really for, is, if you have an emergency, and you don't have any money, the hardware store, will still sell you that special screwdriver, and you can pay them back on payday. DH owes three different stores in town over $500 each. On the one hand, I know that I should go and explain the situation to the store owners, work on paying off those bills, and ask them not to extend credit to DH any more. But that is also a tough thing for me to do, because a) it'd be nice if the whole town didn't know DH had a mental illness, b) some of those people are "friends" of his, and might think less of him if they knew and c) I would never dream of crossing that boundary if DH was "normal". But he's not. And there's a lot of these sorts of things that a wife has to think about. And it's not fun.

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