I am still struggling with this question. However, I am still here writing.
Blogging has become a bit of lifeline for me, I think. A habit. An addiction. Now of those three, which are positives and which are negatives? Or do any even warrant such judgment? Could they just simply exist on their own without question?
I apologize for my blog of late. It may have seemed rather oblique, cryptic or even downright confusing and bizarre. Yes, it seems like PA’s gone off her rocker a bit? Well, she sort of has.
I know I am supposed to be able to write whatever I want but I don’t believe that is the point here. I’ve been trying to accomplish something in my, what seem to be, more ridiculous and difficult to understand posts but it is not working. I don’t think what I want to “accomplish” will ever happen.
It’s time for me to just step back. If I can. It’s killing me.
Or rather, I am killing myself? Slowly. If there was an award for self-destructive behaviour, I would certainly be in the running. I haven’t consumed this much alcohol and smoked this much dope prior to being medicated. Granted, it’s not as much as I used to back then but it’s still way too much.
It’s time to step back from that too.
It’s going to take a tremendous amount of willpower to step back from both of these things. My “addictive personality” is really shining through now. I could probably get a medal for that as well.
I am reminded of when I was in hospital and I “wished upon a star.” I got my wish. Or so I thought. Did all my desire that was eventually thrust upon the unearthly body really create the result that followed? I don’t think so.
I’ve often said that we have little control over what happens in this world…our lives. We can control our words, our actions. That’s about it. Well, I suppose I can control my words via my blog and my actions by trying to get out of a terribly unhealthy cycle of late.
I think I need to rest now. I am very tired and not feeling well. I’m trying to figure out if I’ve suffered a mild concussion. Probably not but indeed, a good thing skulls are hard?