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To Blog Or Not To Blog And Self-Destruction

Posted Jun 24 2007 12:00am

I am still struggling with this question.  However, I am still here writing.

Blogging has become a bit of lifeline for me, I think.  A habit.  An addiction.  Now of those three, which are positives and which are negatives? Or do any even warrant such judgment? Could they just simply exist on their own without question?

I apologize for my blog of late.  It may have seemed rather oblique, cryptic or even downright confusing and bizarre.  Yes, it seems like PA’s gone off her rocker a bit? Well, she sort of has.

I know I am supposed to be able to write whatever I want but I don’t believe that is the point here.  I’ve been trying to accomplish something in my, what seem to be, more ridiculous and difficult to understand posts but it is not working.  I don’t think what I want to “accomplish” will ever happen.

It’s time for me to just step back.  If I can.  It’s killing me.

Or rather, I am killing myself? Slowly.  If there was an award for self-destructive behaviour, I would certainly be in the running.  I haven’t consumed this much alcohol and smoked this much dope prior to being medicated.  Granted, it’s not as much as I used to back then but it’s still way too much.

It’s time to step back from that too.

It’s going to take a tremendous amount of willpower to step back from both of these things.  My “addictive personality” is really shining through now.  I could probably get a medal for that as well.

I am reminded of when I was in hospital and I “wished upon a star.”  I got my wish.  Or so I thought.  Did all my desire that was eventually thrust upon the unearthly body really create the result that followed? I don’t think so.

I’ve often said that we have little control over what happens in this world…our lives.  We can control our words, our actions.  That’s about it.  Well, I suppose I can control my words via my blog and my actions by trying to get out of a terribly unhealthy cycle of late.

I think I need to rest now.  I am very tired and not feeling well.  I’m trying to figure out if I’ve suffered a mild concussion.  Probably not but indeed, a good thing skulls are hard?

There’s masochism and then there’s murder.

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