I am tired of feeling Down. I've had enough now, thank you, and I would like an Up again please.
Usually I stay in the Up part of the cycle in the spring and summer and move into the Down side in the fall and winter. There are highs and lows to both the Ups and Downs, but I can never remember an extreme Up in the winter nor an extreme Down in the summer. Since fall I've been firmly entrenched in the Down side of things and haven't felt much of an Up at all. I can be cheery when I need to and put a happy face on for a few hours to be sociable, but overall I feel vaguely depressed. And you know what? I really don't like it. I'm used to bouncing out of Downs pretty quickly not wallowing in them for months.
I know my life has been extremely stressful over the last ten months or so. With J rebelling like he has, with my work environment being toxic and my debt feel like it's crushing me I know I have reason to be depressed. Things with J have been improving - or at least leveling out - my debt is actually going down albeit extremely slowly, but work...well work is getting worse. Maybe that's what's been holding me down.
Lately I've noticed my lips are pursed all the time, so much that I've developed little smoker's wrinkles around them now. My shoulders feel like they are so high up all the time they have become earrings. And they are so tense that I feel like I wake up in the morning and slip on linebacker's shoulder pads filled with weights. I've had a migraine for three days which has finally gone away leaving a fuzzy and injured feeling to my brain. My eyes are squinting all the time and my eyebrows are knit together causing frown wrinkles to settle in between my eyes. And as soon as a thought of work enters my head, all these symptoms intensify. I feel like I'm being physically crushed by intangible environment at work.
In order to help bounce myself out of this persistent Down I've tried to Think Positive. But that's just not working at all. I have a friend that says it has helped her get through some bad patches in her life lately, but for me it's exhausting to even come up with a single positive sentence much less take heed of what I'm telling myself. My thoughts are directed by my brain chemistry, in an Up I'm positive and any negative thoughts are quickly turned around and lessened. In a Down the opposite is true, all thoughts are negative and any positive thoughts are quickly shot down. Or, in a Down that single ray of sunlight is unable to penetrate the thick, dark smog of my thoughts. In an Up that dark negative ball is surrounded by beautiful flowers and sunshine so it's barely visible. I'm tired of living in the fog and am frustrated and irritable to find the end to it, or generate the wind to blow it away.
I know there are antidepressants out there. I also know that I'm not allowed to have them without mood stabilizers. The last time I was on mood stabilizers I felt much like I do now with some very unpleasant side effects so I haven't really pursued that avenue of treatment. I'm hoping that as soon as I find a new job and am able to give my notice at this job that things will improve. I'm not expecting miracles, but I'd like to be able to feel my face relax again or my back to be straight instead of hunched forward. Someday the grumpiness will be a memory. I look forward to that day.