Time and/or Energy Anyone?

Wow. It's been a while. Apparently my plan to carve out some time for myself is not exactly working out so far. At the end of a work day I'm finding it hard enough just to get supper done, kids tended to and into bed. I have energy only for a page or 2 of my book (always a must for me before sleep) and then it's game over. Days off? Well for one thing, they're different each week, as I'm on a 4 on 2 off rotating schedule. Same as hubby, although we managed to coordinate it so that we get one day off together per week. Anyway, it seems like things are always in the air.... juggle juggle juggle. I'm hoping I don't drop too many balls along the way.



I did manage to take a few extra days off this month, so we could continue with the camping plans we had made last year. We had reserved 4 nights at one of the provincial campgrounds on a lake, and were so looking forward to camping with my good friend and her family.



In a word or two? It sucked. Let me just say, please, that I have learned the following about myself: camping makes me crazy. I have camped all of my childhood and adult life. I have always loved it. But the past few years I can tell you that it has increasingly pushed every button in me. It makes me carrrankky! My brain feels like it's being fried, just trying to find everything, organize everything, focus on too many things at once, with too many people, and too much disorganization, and too much dirtiness, and dampness, and disgusting bathrooms, and.... oh my lord, I was so upset by it all. For the first day I didn't do so well at holding it in, with a few crying episodes, and much general explosive crankiness (no, I was not proud of my behaviour, but I swear to GOD I could not help myself)... but I managed to suck it up for the rest of the time so that everyone could get on with having a good time... but OMG!!! I was so not having one inside my head. I felt like I was going to explode. I think control has become really really important to me...



You know what I kept thinking? I kept thinking of those people who say that you always have a choice in how you act and react. That there are options... things you can do to destress and diffuse the bomb. I kept thinking that how much horseshit that was feeling to me at the time. I literally felt SO out of control at times. And while I do think it's true in a lot of cases, with a lot of people. I KNOW there are times when it just is not Truth. Period. So don't leave a comment to the contrary or I'll have to.... make you come camping with me. Ha.



Anyway, a big lesson learned. Knowledge was gained, so it wasn't all bad. And there were a few lovely moments. One was floating on my airmattress with the hot sun on my back.... arms and feet dangling in the coolish water....cheek pressed firmly into the pillow, smelling that familiar fresh summer lake smell combined with the canvassy plastic smell of the airmattress that always takes me back to childhood. Lazily chatting with my friend who was doing the same.... Then paddling like mad with her to try and get away from our children that are tring to catch us up in the dinghy! heehee.



But that was maybe the 10% good part. The other 90% was so very unenjoyable. BUT the most important part is that the kidlets had a great time overall. Despite the fact that their bicycles were stolen. Ok, I'm going to just leave this whole camping thing far behind. Enough already.



So I will be trying to become a bit more regular here. I'm thinking that when school starts up I'll have more of a chance? I sure hope so. I'm mad that I can't be here as much as I want. I miss my bloggity friends and the fun I have here. And I feel so unsupportive. And unsupported. And frustrated. Ok, must sleep.



Oh, and Preciousrock? Thank you for missing me ;) Your comments made me teary. And thanks too PJ, and anyone else who thought nice things about me. Night.