Elizabeth's post last week helped me to identify possibly abnormal/over-reactive/not-helpful thoughts and feelings I experience with regard to interpersonal relationships.
I am exceptionally sensitive to any perception I may have of being abandoned, discarded, or unwanted. Usually I keep these ideas to myself because I am so cognizant of *not* appearing weak or vulnerable. In fact, such reactions to social situations have become internalized to the point I think they are "normal".
For example, I have a "special" friend, you know, the kind with "benefits". He's actually strictly a "beneficial" friend, not the hang-out-on-the-weekends friend. This person has a job that is not in session over the winter holiday (bet you have NO idea what his profession is... haha). So I sent him an email asking what his schedule is for Wedmesday (2 days from now). His response is "not sure yet, gotta get my head back above water". Being this is the first week back to campus I think it makes sense that he is busy. Okay... however, here is the chain of thoughts in my mind:
He sounds like he doesn't want to meet up with me.
What did I do wrong?
Why does he hate me?
Am I annoying?
Am I ugly?
Is it because my legs aren't as in shape as they used to be?
He found another "friend", I'm sure of it, and is benefitting with her now.
Fine, f*ck him, I don't want him anyhow. He's an idiot.
I'm gonna find someone new, hell I will pick his friend/co-worker to get back at him for choosing someone else over me.
What the hell did I do?
Why is he acting like this?
What's his f*cking problem?
Shit I'm being rejected, well fine, I don't want him anyhow.
This is good.
I'm gonna go find a new friend tomorrow.
Or I will call up my actual friend with whom I have shared benefits with before and hook up with him. Or the beneficial dude from last year. Yeah, I don't want this mess with current dude.
F*ck him, so he doesn't like me (referring to a general like, not a romantic-like)? Well I don't like him either. He's stupid (and I proceed to pick apart everything he's done that is "stupid").
And now I am thinking of all of the things I did or said wrong, and how I must be inadequate in bed and that the stuff he told me (regarding compliments and enthusiasm about the in-bed activities) has all been a lie, well no kidding, I'm a fool for actually believing anything he said, I should have known better, and well I do now so I vow to NEVER trust anyone again. This is so stupid. I hate all people. I'm an idiot for believing him. How could I have been so stupid? Well I am going to make up for it now. Jerk.
Etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc...
Right now I'm fairly certain he hates me and I am going to pre-empt this rejection by not talking to him anymore. If he wants to play this game of not wanting me then I am going to detach first. I won't send him anymore emails, and will take a long time to reply to his. In fact, the next time he is available to have a beneficial session, well I am going to be busy so we will have to resched. That will show him that I am okay with him hating me and being annoyed with me because I am just as annoyed with him and don't care about meeting up with him either because it's not that great for me either.
While I am feeling this way, part of me, a part in the back of my mind, I guess the only "sane" part (or it is the incredibly naive part, who knows the difference) tells me that he is not sure of his course/faculty/laboratory schedule and beginning of the year meetings, so of course he cannot commit to a particular beneficial time at the moment. It is not personal.
And then I promptly return to freak-out mode.
Which is where I am now. I am not sure if it makes sense to be able to be sure of two separate and opposite ideas in my mind at one time regarding the exact same situation.
Does this make sense to anyone?
I know I am overreacting, but I still feel convinced of these emotions being fact. I drive myself mad sometimes with the duality of my mind. The rational side of me, paranoid with trying to be as "normal" as possible in social settings, is not letting me say anything to this beneficial person regarding how I feel; I will not tell anyone the paranoid thoughts in my mind. I will keep my mouth shut because I am obsessed with not appearing weak, vulnerable, or "unstable". Yet my insides are flipping out, the emotional side of me is wigging out inside, and beyond this particular occurrence this side of me has been a giant stress-pot of anxiety and electricity flying around the inside of my body. I keep this hidden and put on my mask.
How exhausting it is to wear a mask, yet I do not dare to expose how I really am on the inside.
I am sure others must know how this feels and share these experiences. Yet I don't think anyone I know does... and I wish they did... so they would know what I am feeling, and know the strength is freaking takes to keep up this dance of duality between my brain and behavior.
I'm tired. Disheartened. Rejected. Lonely. Wishing I was someone else, while proud I am as strong as I am at the same time. Wanting to run away, wanting to stay. Wanting to sleep forever, wanting to take over the world. Polar opposites living inside of me... it wears me out.
My stomach also feels nasty. Sorta nausea... yuck. I may go to sleep now and then get up early to finish my app for the school that I need to mail out tomorrow. I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, tired of trying. Done. Sleep. Screw all of this crap.
There is so much more I want to write, I've been taking notes today on my "memo pad" on my iPhone, and yet now I suddenly do not care to share any of it. I want to sleep. And I am certain nobody gives a shit anyhow, while at the same time I know people read this and do care to some extent, even if they do not personally know me in my "real" life.
I'm a giant ball of screwed up right now and I cannot continue to process this mess of tangled thoughts right now. I will indulge in some Ativan and let sleep rest my mind... then I will try all of this again tomorrow.
Good night all
I am exceptionally sensitive to any perception I may have of being abandoned, discarded, or unwanted. Usually I keep these ideas to myself because I am so cognizant of *not* appearing weak or vulnerable. In fact, such reactions to social situations have become internalized to the point I think they are "normal".
For example, I have a "special" friend, you know, the kind with "benefits". He's actually strictly a "beneficial" friend, not the hang-out-on-the-weekends friend. This person has a job that is not in session over the winter holiday (bet you have NO idea what his profession is... haha). So I sent him an email asking what his schedule is for Wedmesday (2 days from now). His response is "not sure yet, gotta get my head back above water". Being this is the first week back to campus I think it makes sense that he is busy. Okay... however, here is the chain of thoughts in my mind:
He sounds like he doesn't want to meet up with me.
What did I do wrong?
Why does he hate me?
Am I annoying?
Am I ugly?
Is it because my legs aren't as in shape as they used to be?
He found another "friend", I'm sure of it, and is benefitting with her now.
Fine, f*ck him, I don't want him anyhow. He's an idiot.
I'm gonna find someone new, hell I will pick his friend/co-worker to get back at him for choosing someone else over me.
What the hell did I do?
Why is he acting like this?
What's his f*cking problem?
Shit I'm being rejected, well fine, I don't want him anyhow.
This is good.
I'm gonna go find a new friend tomorrow.
Or I will call up my actual friend with whom I have shared benefits with before and hook up with him. Or the beneficial dude from last year. Yeah, I don't want this mess with current dude.
F*ck him, so he doesn't like me (referring to a general like, not a romantic-like)? Well I don't like him either. He's stupid (and I proceed to pick apart everything he's done that is "stupid").
And now I am thinking of all of the things I did or said wrong, and how I must be inadequate in bed and that the stuff he told me (regarding compliments and enthusiasm about the in-bed activities) has all been a lie, well no kidding, I'm a fool for actually believing anything he said, I should have known better, and well I do now so I vow to NEVER trust anyone again. This is so stupid. I hate all people. I'm an idiot for believing him. How could I have been so stupid? Well I am going to make up for it now. Jerk.
Etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc...
Right now I'm fairly certain he hates me and I am going to pre-empt this rejection by not talking to him anymore. If he wants to play this game of not wanting me then I am going to detach first. I won't send him anymore emails, and will take a long time to reply to his. In fact, the next time he is available to have a beneficial session, well I am going to be busy so we will have to resched. That will show him that I am okay with him hating me and being annoyed with me because I am just as annoyed with him and don't care about meeting up with him either because it's not that great for me either.
While I am feeling this way, part of me, a part in the back of my mind, I guess the only "sane" part (or it is the incredibly naive part, who knows the difference) tells me that he is not sure of his course/faculty/laboratory schedule and beginning of the year meetings, so of course he cannot commit to a particular beneficial time at the moment. It is not personal.
And then I promptly return to freak-out mode.
Which is where I am now. I am not sure if it makes sense to be able to be sure of two separate and opposite ideas in my mind at one time regarding the exact same situation.
Does this make sense to anyone?
I know I am overreacting, but I still feel convinced of these emotions being fact. I drive myself mad sometimes with the duality of my mind. The rational side of me, paranoid with trying to be as "normal" as possible in social settings, is not letting me say anything to this beneficial person regarding how I feel; I will not tell anyone the paranoid thoughts in my mind. I will keep my mouth shut because I am obsessed with not appearing weak, vulnerable, or "unstable". Yet my insides are flipping out, the emotional side of me is wigging out inside, and beyond this particular occurrence this side of me has been a giant stress-pot of anxiety and electricity flying around the inside of my body. I keep this hidden and put on my mask.
How exhausting it is to wear a mask, yet I do not dare to expose how I really am on the inside.
I am sure others must know how this feels and share these experiences. Yet I don't think anyone I know does... and I wish they did... so they would know what I am feeling, and know the strength is freaking takes to keep up this dance of duality between my brain and behavior.
I'm tired. Disheartened. Rejected. Lonely. Wishing I was someone else, while proud I am as strong as I am at the same time. Wanting to run away, wanting to stay. Wanting to sleep forever, wanting to take over the world. Polar opposites living inside of me... it wears me out.
My stomach also feels nasty. Sorta nausea... yuck. I may go to sleep now and then get up early to finish my app for the school that I need to mail out tomorrow. I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking, tired of trying. Done. Sleep. Screw all of this crap.
There is so much more I want to write, I've been taking notes today on my "memo pad" on my iPhone, and yet now I suddenly do not care to share any of it. I want to sleep. And I am certain nobody gives a shit anyhow, while at the same time I know people read this and do care to some extent, even if they do not personally know me in my "real" life.
I'm a giant ball of screwed up right now and I cannot continue to process this mess of tangled thoughts right now. I will indulge in some Ativan and let sleep rest my mind... then I will try all of this again tomorrow.
Good night all