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Struggling with DD's issues

Posted Nov 14 2012 11:29am
Ok, it's really tough for me to admit this, but I currently intensely dislike DD.  She has been living in the adult foster care group home for mentally ill adults now for about a year and a half, and every time I talk to her, I am so very glad that she no longer lives in our house....

Last weekend was just an example:  She came home for a visit.  The very first thing she told me when she got in the car was "Mom.  My friend committed suicide yesterday."  I felt terrible.  What an awful thing, even for a mentally stable person to have to cope with.  I was hugely sympathetic, told her that suicide is caused by mental illness, offered to help her in any way I could.  She said "her mom (the friend's mom) is going to let me know when the funeral is."  I told her I would help her get to the funeral and even go with her if she wanted me to.  I just felt so awful for her.  Then, as she was rambling on about it, she stated "And they don't even know if she's going to live."  WHAT???????

Turns out the friend wasn't dead after all.
The friend DID attempt suicide, but was already out of the hospital.  DD realized though, that she'd get more attention if her friend actually died, so that's what the story became.  At that point, I wanted to bring her right back to the group home, but I didn't, of course.....she then went on to tell me about (same old story) how she is getting "bullied" at work.  (She works in a supported work environment with behavioral supports and such for people with mental health issues). 

The story on the bullying?  The same thing.  She has latched on to the word "bullying" because so many people are talking about it these days.  Usually, at work, she is the one doing the bullying, is what I am told. 

So we went home, and I clearly explained to DD the difference between attempting suicide and committing suicide.  She said she understood.  I warned DH about this conversation.  And DD?  She told her dad the exact same thing!  "My friend committed suicide."  And he very patiently explained again the difference and that no, she did not.

So cut to Friday.  We got a call that she and the boy who had been "bullying" her, had been given feedback about an inappropriate conversation they were having at work.  The staff at work separated the two, and DD "flipped out".  The group home had to come and bring her home, where they were not able to calm her down.  The episode culminated with DD cutting herself superficially in the arm and being brought to the hospital.  When the nurse called me, she (the nurse) told me that DD has been under a lot of stress at work and also stress from her friend killing herself. I wanted to scream.

I am struggling with the lies and the manipulation.  I know it's hallmark to FASD.  But I am having troubles accepting it.  Frankly, in the "real world", I pick up on people like this and avoid them like the plague.  And DD is no different.  I don't want to spend any time with her.  I don't want her to come over, I don't want to call her.  Because it's all going to be a bunch of drama that isn't true.  And I know that I'm her mom and I said that I'd love her forever.  But I wish she would just stay away.  I don't like her.  And I feel hugely guilty about that. 

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