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Stop Sayin’ That You Know How I Feel!

Posted Sep 12 2008 2:49pm

No, you don’t. I’m talking to the mental health therapist and other mental health workers. Even some pdocs are guilty of this. I tell you that I’m skirting on catatonic. I think I’m going into complete shutdown. Unable to do almost anything. And, you have nerve enough to nod your head and say, “Yeah, I know how you feel. I just couldn’t make myself go out and work on my flowers yesterday, even though they need weeding. I hate it when I’m like that.”

“insert exploding smiley here”

Oh, you can’t water your pussywillows????? You just can’t make yourself go outside? Kiss my ass!

Pussywillows! Fuck pussywillows!!!!! I can’t even water MYSELF. I’m sitting in a chair in a total daze dying of thirst. Hey, I got an idea…….why don’tcha plant me? I’ll be your pussywillow. You can water me, prune me, pick me, or whatever when I’m in not just slow-mo, but dead-mo.

I remember a therapist from a long time ago. I had just started treatment for bipolar. Against my will, I’ll have to admit. This was right before I was “convinced” (I’ll go into that more later) that I need hospitalized in a psych ward. Anyway, this t, for some perverted reason, decided that he wanted me to wait around to meet his next patient. In she came and looked as confused as me. The T went on a long speil about how much better Patient B was doing. Why, she had been in a catatonic state for months. That is, until HE healed her thru therapy. BULLSHIT!!!!! BULLSHIT!!!!! BULLSHIT!!!! Oh, did I say BULLSHIT????!!!!!! The ignorant fuck has just graduated from college with a degree in social work! Before that, he had been a coal miner for 20 years. One side note: He looked just like Abe Lincoln. He did Abe impersonations at all the local store grand openings. LOL Once again, getting off topic. I remember patient B. She was quite happy to be his “display model”. It didn’t take long to figure out why. This man “likey him da woman”. I can just imagine what kind of therapy he did on his “prize” catatonic woman. He was good with words. Not psych words. Words that would make a woman with no self-esteem feel pretty good about herself. I did not like him. But, hubby did. This period of time is the only one that my husband had ANYTHING to do with treatment of bipolar. Only, even then, he really didn’t recognize it as a life long thing. He was figuring on it being a fix-it quick temporary situation. Kinda like a veneral disease. From -what I can reconstruct looking back, my hubby thought this was just a wild hair up my ass and he had done something to totally piss me off. I sincerely believe that he thought he could convince me to sign myself in a psych ward, take a few pills, get a couple of lectures on straightening my ass up…..and VOILA’…..Stepford wife is born. Of course, it didn’t work that way.

Ramblin off again. Anyway, that T wanted me on lithium. I gave it a fair shot. Hated it. Told him….nuh uh, nada, no more. And, told him “ba bye, see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya, etc”. Handed his almost full bottle of Lithium to him and told him to encase it in plastic and make himself a nice, little paperweight. His parting remarks were, “No, I’ll keep them here for you cause you WILL be back.” Fuckin’ ignorant asshole. HA….I never went back!

One week later, I get a call from “Abe”. Wanting to know how I’m doing. I tell him I’m doing friggin’ AOK. But, he believes that I’m lying to him. He ask me to meet him…..get this……for dinner so we can talk about it. WTF?????? I smoked then. I smoked a LOT then. He was pissing me off so badly. I wasn’t paying attention and emptied an ashtray into the garbage while letting fly with vulgar words that I didn’t even know I knew into the phone . Also, coyly asked him if his lovely wife would be joining us. Feeling pretty pleased with myself for standing up to him, I thought the smoke that I was smelling was from my “hotness”. Haha. Actually, I had set the damn trashcan on fire. Not wanting to let Abe know that I had done something stupid for fear he would use the med theory on me again, I kept talking to him in a very normal voice. All the while, I am rushing around getting glasses of water out of the sink and throwing it on the trash can. 10 glasses later, the fire was out. Trash can had melted on one side. Pat me on the back. He never knew that I came close to setting my house on fire! And, I kept that melted trashcan for a long time. It was a great reminder of how some T’s are nothing more than losers with a title.

NINA SIMONE SONG: (I love it!)

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin’ on by you know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel


Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That’s what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

Filed under: depression, humor, life, medication, mental health, mental health rights, personal | Tagged: manic depression

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