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Step Four

Posted May 23 2011 12:00am

“We made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.”

I think the reason why “fearless” was including in the inventory is because we are really afraid of ourselves. I know I am. There is always the worry that I will find something I don’t have the tools to handle. After so many years of therapy, I’ve had plenty of coming outs. I think my fear is based in the truth of who I am. I know what my history has been.

I search for my keys all the time. I don’t know what I do with them. I find them in the oddest places. I always exclaim something like, “Wow I never thought to look in that plant.” I know when digging around in my feeling place, I can find the things that are keeping me sick. Just as soon as I believe I have resolved all the anger of abuses I have suffered, more will come out . Like the keys I ask myself, “Where did that come from?”

Last night I was chatting away with my daughter about friends who have moved in and out of my life. She shared her memories and I shared mine. We started talking about friend X and without a sound tears rolled down my face. My daughter said, “I know mom, I know.” You see that was a friend I found after my last psychotic break. We were together a long time before I slowly revealed my past. It was like coming home. I felt like she massaged my tired aches and covered my sins. Then after a disagreement, she turned on me. I resolved I would not let anyone in like that again-ever. I picked myself up, stuffed my feelings far down, and moved on. Until last night. After the tears, I began a searching inventory of our relationship and the events surrounding our breakup. I must own my portion.

Just like the above happening, making a searching and fearless inventory is work. It is a process. But a worthy one. It takes time. It’s not like the instant ways we desire there is no way to “Google” it. Carefully we find the things hindering our wellness and keep working the steps to their resolve.

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