Since I last blogged
I completed second year of my degree and did v.well.
I got discharged from CMHT
I got pregnant
I got reffered to Perinatal Psychiatry
I got left for entire pregnancy until few weeks prior to delivery due to shortages and staff sickness
On 3rd February I had a second son.
Sorry for the matter of fact way I write that but so much that I dont have time or mental space at present to put it into proper sentences to write about the struggles up and down and the joy of carrying a child of the anticipation of actually recalling this ones first few weeks anw with happiness. Of the difficulty of coming off meds whilst pregnant coping on nothing and at the same time having any support vanish. Oh its been a mixed bag.
And here I am a second time mum and I am being seen daily- perinatal cpn, crisis and midwifery and they want me in hospital they have me a bed. And i have these terrible thoughts not to hurt him- I would never hurt him but to take him away and I wont sleep less they come for him and its 7 days now. they have given me risperidone as well as Valproate and today it made me cry. Made me cry because I feel so confused with it all. I try to do my best but I always hurt the ones I love and I was selfish 9 months ago and now Im selfish for not doing the right thing, I dont know what that is??