Throughout my life relationships sucked. I had an abusive marriage, date rape, verbal & abusive relationships and my relationships with alcohol. All this added up to bipolar.
I felt my abusive marriage was such a trauma I sank into deep depression that resulted in Bipolar. For some reason I picked the wrong men resulting in codependency. I was needy of love and abusiveness was all my knew. I had gotten married in my early 20's and thought that kind of love was what I deserved and understood. My entire adult life was a living hell.
In my last relationship, which was 7 years ago with a guy I'll call Bill - it was a controlling relationship that lasted 2 1/2 years. I let Bill lead the way the entire time. It was a ritual cycle - every weekend we got up early on Saturday and went on motorcycle excursions. A herd of Harley's setting their mission to ride with the wind. It was only Saturdays we got together. If I said I didn't want to go on a trip he would get mad - "What's a matter with you? Live your mundane life!"
So that's how it went for 2 1/2 years until I got sick of it. I got madder and madder letting him control my life. He was always in control of the relationship. Bill would say things that hurt my fells. I let him. He came and got me one afternoon and the motorcycle had no back rest. He knew I had a bad back! I told him I couldn't ride without a back rest and asked why he took it off. He stormed off pissed off! This was the last straw for me. I've had it I' not going to have no man control or abuse me anymore. There's so much more to life than this!
I called Bill late that afternoon and told him I couldn't do this anymore. It was the first time I felt strong enough to do this. However, it was also hard. Again, I was alone and I didn't like that feeling of loneliness. I became withdrawn afterwards. I took up my drinking again after a few years of hiatus. I didn't think of drinking when I with someone only when I was alone. Alcohol became my companion.
I became fearful of men and relationships. I didn't feel like I could trust a man I would walk on egg shells feeling I might do something wrong. I would become needy when I met someone I like, and would want them around all the time and it would ru the guy off. I would feI would then get that feeling of loneilness. Feeling abandoned and lonely became my battleground.