I have been zonked all day. Not too sure what is up with this. Feeling like tired crap really. Last night to sleep I took 3mg of Ativan, but still... to be hazy and exhausted all day? It sucks.
I received my first graduate school response from U-Michigan. The BioSci dept rejected my application. I had also applied to the Psych dept, so technically I still have a chance. But with that school, being the #1 in the States for the biopsycho field, well I'm not holding my breath.
It's not the rejection from UM that I am referencing in the title of this post. It's interpersonal rejection. And it is something that has been weighing heavily on me. I don't know why, or how I really feel about it.
Actually... I'm thinking I may be a little depressed right now. I don't have the motivation to do anything and all I want to do is sleep, take drugs to get stoned and sleep, and then lay around when I am awake and not do anything aside from online-shopping. I'm a little pathetic sounding right now. Oh well.
I don't want to be bothered. I don't want anyone to talk to me. I don't want squat. I want to be left alone. My head also hurts.
I am not in a frame of mind where I can handle (in a healthy or constructive way) stress or having activities assigned to me that I must complete. I have a lot of that "freaked out" feeling about having to go to work tomorrow. I am so thankful for the job that I have, I can go in when I want, leave when I want, and basically do what I want while I am there (as long as the admin stuff I do is straight, which is stuff from other people that I correct for audits) I do what I want, and I have two part-time associates I can assign duties to as well to help ease my work-load, or allow me to leave early. I have autonomy there, and because of my experience and knowledge, I have a certain "rank" based on my knowledge and seniority. I stopped with the "manager" position a couple years ago when I went back to school, but at this particular store, I know more than each and every boss-person in the place. I am so thankful for it; having this flexibility and freedom in my job is a life-saving opportunity. It is a HUGE help with reducing my stress and I cannot imagine how things would be if I had a typical job where I was just another anonymous worker. I am so thankful. And I told the dude I work for how much I appreciate the "cake-ass schedule" I have. I definitely show my appreciation when ever I can. I think that is important.
Back to today... feeling like ass.
Yesterday when I wrote the post while I was in front of the pdoc's office, I was halfway crying and depressed as poop. Half way through the appointment after the doc and I started talking about the professors at school and how some of them are stuck with old ideas and don't like students who challenge or talk about newer brain science discoveries. Then I perked up into a perky ass mood and went to my sister's house and felt find being over there, except that my brain still felt like butt and I was still "freaked and electric" feeling, but no longer about to cry.
Well, that is the good thing about rapid cycle, if you feel like shit, it's pretty much guaranteed to not last long.