I have questions about "symptoms" and variations of which I experience on a daily basis. I will ask my psych doc when I see her on Tuesday for the answers. If she cannot answer them then I am going to keep looking for a new psych doc until I find someone who can. I want real, concrete answers. I want physiological answers.
1. Why do I feel like I am exploding with energy? My knees and body vibrates and I run around the room, leaping back and forth and do jumping jacks until I am doubled over and out of breath?
2. Why do I get such sudden uncontrollable reactions? Rage? Irritability? Aggression?
3.Why can I be so annoyingly impulsive? Buy shit I really don't need? Go along with what my " Id" wants to do (no I am not a Freud fan but it seemed to be a fitting example)? Why am I so damn hard to self monitor?
4. When I am feeling overly "energetic", why can't my mind sit still and do a somewhat complicated task? Why can I only do easy ones which provide quick gratification? Why do I get tired of, bored, and irritated with them so soon and then end up wanting to throw the table and destroy the room because the task that gave me great pleasure 5 minutes ago is now driving me insane?
6. Why can't I sit still and just listen to a lecture (sometimes I can, but lately not so much)? I have to have music in one ear (I love my laptop and iTunes!!), I'll be typing lecture notes, internet, emails, writing a blog entry, etc. all at once and still paying total attention to class and the lecture? Why can't I just frikin' sit still?!?!
7. Why can I be so annoyingly motivated, hyper, impulsive, thrilled, and then switch to uncontrolled rage/anger/aggression when someone pisses me off, gets in my way or tries to stop me?
8. Why can't I sit still and read my text book? Why do I feel shitty and bored because it's not enough and my mind starts racing off somewhere else and my body doesn't want to sit still but instead of reading for school I can work on designing a tattoo or something equally creative? I can't sit and string together new beaded bracelets but I can draw. Most of the time, sometimes I end up not being able to draw either. Am I just lazy and not aware of it?? WHY???
9. Why is my body tired (Lithium, I assume) but my mind won't want to sleep and wants to keep going and going because I need to be productive? Why is sleep such an inconveience? Yet my eye lids get heavy and then I get annoyed because they aren't letting me do what I want? Why do I get so pissed and in such a foul mood when my physical self demands I sleep but the I get made because now I am losing valuable time to do stuff??
10. Why is the only way I can focus while I am reading for school (9 times out of 10) is if I read and at the same time I slowly pluck out hair from my scalp. Why am I back to pulling out my hair and doing the whole trichotillomania thing? It's *not* because I am nervous so please do not think that for a moment. It's almost... enjoyable. I woke up a few times last night doing it. Compulsive.
11. Why am I back to doing the eyelash pulling too? I am compulsive about checking them (by tugging on the lashes) to see if any have that "pinching" feeling and need to come out. It one does "pinch", then I will yank lashed out until I find the culprit. This doesn't go well with my appearance. I know this is stupid. I don't want to do it. And I do not seem to know how to stop. I only do it when I have to be still and not run around shouting and screeching or something equally random and expressive.
12. I am paranoid about my hips again. I'm not going to let anyone see me in jeans or snug clothing because my stupid hips are going to be all they see and they will judge me and not like me and think bad things because my hips have become too large again. Everyone on campus last Thursday (when I worse jeans) would look at me and the wide hips are what they saw. Nobody takes me seriously. I'm the lazy girl with big hips. So no jeans. Please do not tell me I have self-esteem issues. I know I am a kick ass person. Smart and intelligent and caring and giving and a pretty face and a great honest friend and many other things. But my hips... they are disgusting and everyone sees that and think I'm a joke because of them.