I'm in front of my pdoc's office in my truck. The appt isn't until. 2:45 so I have some time to kill.
First day of class was today. It would be so much more enjoyable if I didn't detest most people. Oh well.
The past couple of weeks have sucked with regard to my mental status. Today is no exception. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to quit school. I want to run away. I want to beat-up all the people that annoy me or judge me. I want to slap every last stereotypical sorority girl on campus.
My stomach has felt like shit too which isn't helping the situation. I hare people and yet I'm lonely in a way, nut there isn't anyone I feel like being around. I can't even imagine a hypothetical person I'd want for company.
I can't sit still, I want to run and stretch my legs, but my stomach is too nasty feeling. My head hurts too. I should go to the gym but I'm too flipping stupid in the head right now to tolerate being around anyone in public. So I'll remain fat and nasty. This is fun.
I hate this feeling. It's evil and gross and not fun. Just about the only thing I can do is either take Vicodin or Ativan, get a little stoned from those fun white pills, and then chill out and pass out, hoping it will be better when I wake up. I don't do well right now with the freaking whirlwind deal in the brain. Not at all. It's pretty shitty.
I'm over feeling like this. It's stupid. I really did think this shit was done. But he'll now I'm freaked and nutty when in public, particularily when in class, I'm having violent thoughts toward others (not that I'd act on them) and generally filled with a crazed rage.
I don't want to go home. I don't want to go to my sister's apartment. I don't feel athome anywhere. This is such a crappy way to feel when my brains are flying all about, I'm unsettled, panicked, and cannot find refuge anywhere or with anyone. My only friends are Vicodin and Ativan. How freaking pathetic is that?????