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Past pains suck.

Posted Oct 23 2010 11:53am
My dreams last night sucked. The ex-hub was in them, a lot. So was his current wife. And this totally confuses me because he is definitely not someone I want to be with. So why the hell is my subconscious dragging him up?! Very strange.

Then again, the dream with him didn't center on us having a relationship or anything like that. There was a reunion or something, and it's the first time since the divorce we've seen each other (true, I haven't seen the fool since I said, "peace out, jackass"). He was with me, talking with me, and the general gist of the dream was that his wife was pissed because he still had feelings for me and was all about talking to me, following me around, doing stuff with me (this dream seemed to cover several days of events). I laughed at her being pissed, and I pitied her being married to him.

The part that hurt, and subsequently followed me into my awake hours today, was the past ouchies being brought to the surface. I missed parts of the relationship, parts, not the whole, and the things I missed (being the things that didn't suck) mixed with the pain of the relationship and just... sucked ass. That mother effer did a number on me, that's for sure. I admit it.

The after-hours of the relationship were so fucking hard on me. The asshole attorney he had, who dragged out the divorce and tried to run me over, didn't help ease my pain. Not so much. Shocking, I know. Who would have thought? So, I gave both of them the middle finger, said, "I don't think so, assholes", and kicked ass (solo, no attorney). Note: It wasn't an ass-kicking in the sense I screwed him over. Instead, I thwarted their attempts to screw *me* over, and all ended in a very fair manner.

I'm not going to go into the shit of all of that, it sucked, use your imagination. I wouldn't change the shit though. It's a part of who I am today. It made me stronger, tougher. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to kick ass, and gained the confidence to kick ass if I need to.

But it's kinda stupid to be brought up now, six years later. J has been on my mind too, and sucks a little more than the former. That one is definitely still raw. It's been a little over a year. I don't want him back, not after the way things ended. No, thank you very much. But I still miss shit, and it sure can make me sad as hell. I still hurt from time to time. Things remind me of him. I can't look at pictures of the mountains behind the city we used to live in (where I still have friends, who post pics on facebook) without feeling a stab of pain. He was my best friend, and there are things I want to tell him, talk about, and god damn him, I miss him sometimes, a LOT.

I don't know what the hell my problem is. Why all of this melancholy?!?!?!

It sucks.

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