Hello.
Half an hour ago I spilt a cup of coffee.
Twenty-five minutes ago I was thinking about suicide.
This is not some overly-wrought emotional roller-coaster ride I am about to write about. The facts are related and this is the tedious tale of how.
I was watching something on youtube when I heard my bed creak. I have a problem with a couple of loose slats on the bed and I am used to having to remove my mattress and sort the slats. I finished watching the video and decided to move the slats. In order to move the mattress I needed to move the cup of long-cold coffee beside my bed. I knocked the cup over as I went to pick it up. Cold coffee slopped out of the cup and along the top of the drawers, over and in between books. I took a deep defeated breath and got some toilet roll to mop up the resultant spill.
The defeated breath was down to having spent six hours today doing stuff. The doing stuff was clearing out my room. I have too much stuff. This is due to five years of my stuff being in two rooms and it now being all in one room and my being bad it getting rid of junk. It is not a hugely taxing tasks but it is difficult when you are morbidly depressed, even more so when you are still cracking eggs and not making omlettes after six hours.
The spill only took a couple of minutes to mop up and the only thing that might be damaged is a bible. It was after though that I felt scared. My hands were shaking, not a nervous shake but a fine tremor. This is the first time that my hands have shook in a long while. When I first started lithium in 2007 my hands shook but largely they haven’t since I was started on lithium again earlier this year. The tremor scared me.
Depressed, defeated and scared my brain immediately started telling me that I could just curl up and sleep until forever. It told me that I could take the rest of the lithium I have and been done with the illness, that lithium in a high enough dose stops the illness, stops everything. It didn’t take all my might not to, I was tired to really contemplate taking any pills. I sorted the slat and went back to bed and thought I’d write what happened here using my phone. The phone idea was not working so I swung my legs out of bed to get my laptop and three of the slats dropped. My brain kicked in again with its suicide screams.
I am not particularly well.
The lowering of aripiprazole from 20mg to 15mg daily has coincided with a furthering of depression. I am seeing things again. Not bad things or scary things but most days I see things or hear things that are not there. The hallucinations are not distressing but that I am experiencing psychotic symptoms again is. Aripiprazole wasn’t supposed to be buttressing my mental illness. I want to believe that if the depression lifts so will the psychotic symptoms. I don’t want to increase the dose back to where it was. It feels like a defeat to not be managing on a lower dose.
It doesn’t help that now not only is the illness bad but the side-effects of the medication are too. I am too young for such a tremor. I don’t want this.
I want to be on less drugs but these continuing depressions and suicidal thoughts suggest that is not on the cards.
I suppose sometimes I want doesn’t get.
The suicidal thoughts have passed. I took a diazepam I had left from March, it has calmed me and the palsy.
I’ll make it to Wednesday when I see Dr S again.
Posted in health
Hello.
Half an hour ago I spilt a cup of coffee.
Twenty-five minutes ago I was thinking about suicide.
This is not some overly-wrought emotional roller-coaster ride I am about to write about. The facts are related and this is the tedious tale of how.
I was watching something on youtube when I heard my bed creak. I have a problem with a couple of loose slats on the bed and I am used to having to remove my mattress and sort the slats. I finished watching the video and decided to move the slats. In order to move the mattress I needed to move the cup of long-cold coffee beside my bed. I knocked the cup over as I went to pick it up. Cold coffee slopped out of the cup and along the top of the drawers, over and in between books. I took a deep defeated breath and got some toilet roll to mop up the resultant spill.
The defeated breath was down to having spent six hours today doing stuff. The doing stuff was clearing out my room. I have too much stuff. This is due to five years of my stuff being in two rooms and it now being all in one room and my being bad it getting rid of junk. It is not a hugely taxing tasks but it is difficult when you are morbidly depressed, even more so when you are still cracking eggs and not making omlettes after six hours.
The spill only took a couple of minutes to mop up and the only thing that might be damaged is a bible. It was after though that I felt scared. My hands were shaking, not a nervous shake but a fine tremor. This is the first time that my hands have shook in a long while. When I first started lithium in 2007 my hands shook but largely they haven’t since I was started on lithium again earlier this year. The tremor scared me.
Depressed, defeated and scared my brain immediately started telling me that I could just curl up and sleep until forever. It told me that I could take the rest of the lithium I have and been done with the illness, that lithium in a high enough dose stops the illness, stops everything. It didn’t take all my might not to, I was tired to really contemplate taking any pills. I sorted the slat and went back to bed and thought I’d write what happened here using my phone. The phone idea was not working so I swung my legs out of bed to get my laptop and three of the slats dropped. My brain kicked in again with its suicide screams.
I am not particularly well.
The lowering of aripiprazole from 20mg to 15mg daily has coincided with a furthering of depression. I am seeing things again. Not bad things or scary things but most days I see things or hear things that are not there. The hallucinations are not distressing but that I am experiencing psychotic symptoms again is. Aripiprazole wasn’t supposed to be buttressing my mental illness. I want to believe that if the depression lifts so will the psychotic symptoms. I don’t want to increase the dose back to where it was. It feels like a defeat to not be managing on a lower dose.
It doesn’t help that now not only is the illness bad but the side-effects of the medication are too. I am too young for such a tremor. I don’t want this.
I want to be on less drugs but these continuing depressions and suicidal thoughts suggest that is not on the cards.
I suppose sometimes I want doesn’t get.
The suicidal thoughts have passed. I took a diazepam I had left from March, it has calmed me and the palsy.
I’ll make it to Wednesday when I see Dr S again.
Posted in health