Hey, guys. I’m copying this from my other blog because I know how much WN enjoys reading about my embarrassing moments. …..UM
Like millions of American women people, I have become image conscious by the massive onslaught of TV and magazine ads pushing us to look sexier, more youthful and exciting. There are creams, oils, potions, surgery, and who knows what else to help us achieve the look we desire. However, like lots of people, I am not willing to fork over hard earned dollars for witch doctor magic….. As Seen On TV….Used by Your Fav Celebs!
However, being the big cheapskate that I am, I couldn’t resist recently when I saw this marked down to 75% off ….. “ Nourish your lips with safe, healthy organic ingredients. You’ll love the way your lips look and feel. Achieve sumptuous, smooth lips immediately, with a blend of lip amplifying peptides, refining cane sugar, certified organic citrus juice and nourishing essential fatty acids.• Increase lip volume up to 40% • Immediate plumping technology • Glossy finish”
So, with nothing but $5 to lose, I bought it. I tried it all weekend. After the 10 or 12th time of using it, I saw my lips go from this….. to…..get ready……THIS>>>>>> Well, at least in my head they looked sexy and pouty like that.
So, now it was time to show the world my luscious lips. This morning, I talked my husband into driving the two hours to my sister’s new home to visit. On the trip there, I used lots of words that started with the letters “P” and “th”, hoping hubby would comment on my lips bee-stung look. But, he never said a word. Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer and said, “Do you notice anything different about me?” With this, I puckered my lips like a crack-hardened streetwalker.
“Are you getting a fever blister?” he asked.
“NO! Look again!” I demanded.
“Oh, shit. Are you needing more dental work?” he inquired. FYI…I had just recently had some dental work done. I had broken a crown which caused me to unwillingly bite my lip with the jagged edge a couple of times.
Realizing that he was not looking at my Angelina lips, I decided to forget it. So, I just said, “I changed lipstick colors. That’s all.”
“Oh”…that was his total reply.
I sat in stony silence for a while (applying my lip enhancer every few minutes.}
After sitting around my sister’s house for a while, we decided to go to a nearby outlet mall (with me applying my Juice Organics lip amplifier every little bit). Her grandson was spending the weekend with her. He’s looks like Chucky…the doll that comes alive. He has a mullet. But, it’s not a regular kind of mullet. His hair, also, looks like Chucky’s. It has a doll-like texture and sticks out in patches all over his head no matter what anybody does to it. Kinda reminds me of Barbie’s when little kids give them a haircut. He’s a sweet kid, though.
A big store selling Amish goods had recently been built so we decided to check it out. I ambled up and down the aisles of Amish furniture, then headed over to the Amish baked goods. Meanwhile, I am steadfastly applying my lip stuff.
There were a few young men working there and one was very nice looking. He could drive my buggy any day. “wink” “wink”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him heading my way, probably to see if I needed assistance. I hurriedly reached into my handbag and grabbed my tube of Juice Organics and quickly applied. This would be THE TEST. Now, I would know if this stuff is really working.
“Do you need………..” , he stopped in mid-sentence. Oh YEAH!!! It was working. He was obviously stunned by my sexy, kissable lips. Pushing the envelope, I began to again use as many “p” “s”, and “th” words as I could. Then I noticed that he was trying to get the attention of another guy that worked there.
“Oh, yes! Come to big-lipped mama, Mr. No-Buttons”, I thought to myself. My head was getting quite big thinking about the first guy wanting the second guy to check me out. And, hubby was over in the fruit and nut bags aisle, so what could it hurt? Getting some attention from 2 strapping, no-modern-appliance guys???? I was feeling pretty saucy when……. Chucky comes around the corner and says, “ What do you have all over your mouth? “
“Nothing!” I said. “Go find your grandma.”
“Uh, you do have something on your mouth”, Studmuffin #1 says.
“Just your kisses”, I thought. “What is it?”, I asked, coyly licking my lips. Wait, my lips tasted funny. Holy crap! Where was a bathroom? Maybe, I had overdone it and my lips were going to explode or something. Just then, my sister walked up and burst out laughing. “You need to go to the bathroom and look at yourself”, she said.
“Jealous bitch”, I thought. But, my lips did really taste weird. I asked Studmuffin #2 directions to the restroom and headed to it. I quickly went in and locked the door behind me. I looked in the mirror and I saw something like this>>>>>>>
I quickly rummaged around in my purse. Thinking that I may have used too much of the lip stuff . I need to re-read the directions. That’s when my hand found this>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
OH CHEEZITS!!!!!!!!!!!! I had been liberally applying thick make-up concealer to my lips while in that store!!!!!! I was totally and utterly humiliated.
I squeezed some soap out of the dispenser and scrubbed my face and lips with my hands. Since there were no paper towels, I had to hold my face under the damn blow-dryer thru 2 cycles to get it dry. When finished, my face and lips now had the looks of a burn victim.
Then, with head down, I headed past Hans and Frans over to the buckwheat in a bag aisle where my husband was now studying the back of a bag of organic buckwheat as if it held the key to the universe or something.
“Let’s go!”, I said.
“Why? I’m looking at this”, he replied. “What happened to your face.?It’s red like it’s sunburned.”
“I’m having an allergic reaction to all this pure food and stuff”, I lied. “You keep looking and I’m gonna wait outside”. I said this over my shoulder as I quickly headed for the door.
As I got outside, I could hear pig-snorting type laughter. It was my sister. She had to leave the store due to uncontrollable laughter.
Seeing her, I doubled over with laughter, too.
Ahhhh…..vanity. It can get you in embarrassing situations. I think that the next time that I want big lips, I’ll just punch myself a time or two in the mouth