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Okay, Well That Last Post Was a Piece Of Shit…Let’s Try Harder…Beware, However…This Does Not End Ni

Posted May 28 2007 12:00am

Perhaps it was rather crappy because I had just arisen from a nap and I needed to clear the cobwebs from my head. I think I still do.

In a rather hazy dream-like state, I think(?) I became aware of something. This is very difficult to blog about. Edit: and there were tears.

I am sort of regretting placing that personal ad. Sort of. On the one hand, I am desperately (well, perhaps that’s rather harsh) trying to reach out and meet people. But maybe the word isn’t so harsh as it is hard for me to do so. I really tend to isolate myself and it is difficult for me to be social–well perhaps not once I do finally meet the people. That’s just the hurdle–getting there. But it’s not just “meeting people.” It’s meeting women or perhaps “a woman.”

When ex-partner and I broke up, I thought I would need “time to heal” and all of that. That I would never consider myself able to handle another relationship, that I was “damaged goods”…on and on it went. Ironically, ex-partner made some rather off the cuff comment about, “the next time…” or when I was with someone else in the future. I just looked at her with an unamused, sarcastic expression. I can’t even remember if I verbally replied.

Well, look who’s back in the running? Who knows exactly how long it takes for one to heal from the end of one relationship to another? It’s different for all circumstances. I didn’t know how long this mourning period would take. It’s been…well, a little over two months since we ended our relationship and a little over a month since I moved out. That may seem rather brief but you have to remember that we were essentially living as friends or roommates for…wow…a long time. With no romantic feelings for such a huge period, that may shrink the mourning time and allow my heart to open up–or certainly a bit faster?

And yet, I still have my doubts. This is where I think the entire thing was a grand mistake. I mean, I really put it up as a joke. I never thought anyone would respond! D. has and maybe a couple of others. Some I would never take seriously.

I’ll be honest with you, I’ve freaked D. out. On a few levels. Well, what can I say…I am who I am and she respects that. But it’s got me thinking about the whole thing and whether it’s even a good idea at all. I’m very tempted just to yank the damn ad off the site. I’ve been feeling like this for a few days–really wrestling with it.

So what of my dream-like vision, or feeling rather? Well, it was strange. It was just such a strong and overwhelming urge for affection. It made me think about all of those ads and reading them…sex, sex, sex…at least in the one section. I mean, sex is great, for sure but…hmmm…well, it is possible to have both I suppose–sex and affection? That’s the ideal!

But when I woke up, I realized one very key thing. After feeling that extremely strong and intense desire to be held and cuddled by someone I woke up and knew that I am a very lonely person.

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