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Oh, Good Grief Gray Matter!

Posted Apr 28 2008 12:00am

I mentioned in my last comment to Greybeard that I’d write up something about my mental functioning or whatever today. This is because I was thinking that I had to make a Blog365 post and…? Well, I posted after midnight last night so I really don’t have to write this. Anyway, here goes nuttin’.

My brain is certainly doing better than it was before we made the med modifications–no doubt. However, I wonder if there might have been some low level cycling last night? I’m not sure. I do believe something was happening, however. Some things just didn’t feel right!

I texed someone and I won’t reveal what I said but the content was rather shocking (not oooh, PA…!….why, I am shocked!) No. It was shocking in a more personal way. It was representative of things I would do back during other phases in my life when not mentally stable and very unhappy. Very masochistic behaviour that on the surface, I could hide behind using some sort of veil of “control” but under it all, I was practically, repeatedly stabbing a dagger through my heart over and over again.

Why? Where? How did this thought come about? I’ll tell you: because what I’m going through is still fucking with my head. In a very unpleasant way. I think today will just be a relax/try not to feel like utter shite/Valium day. A try to get lost in movies day. Movies that will make me laugh? Movies that will make me cry? Oh, even the best of comedies would probably make me bawl my eyes out right now. Therefore, let’s get the Valium. I still might cry anyway. It’s not like the Valium turns me into a complete zombie or inhuman robot.

Oh, and without getting into detail regarding what the hell I was talking about above, if you’ve been reading this blog at certain points, you’ll get it. I just don’t want to write about it as I don’t feel particularly happy about it at the moment. Normally I would as this blog is open and it is not something I would hide–I didn’t hide it before. I apologise for being a bit cryptic.  However, if you are really clueless and dying to know, just ask and I will tell you.  I have no problem with that.  I just didn’t want to repeat it all in this post.

Don’t worry. It wasn’t something “unsafe” or “dangerous.” Well, just both of those emotionally for PA.

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