I’ve been highly fortunate. I’ve found a cocktail of drugs that has had rapid success in stabilizing my moods without brain fog. It is the primary concern of mine to be able to stabilize my moods without sacrificing any of my mental capabilities. Unless it’s a severe depression, my mind works fairly well regardless of the mood that I am in. Coupled with being in academics, I’m forced to focus on maintaining my cognition as my primary target. And I’ve found it on abilify and lamictal.
I’m not ruling out the possibility of needing to change my dosing here and there, maybe a little more abilify, or a little less of the lamictal, but the buckshot has definitely hit the target and has stabilized me to a considerable degree. My manias no longer fly out of control, and my depressions are mild. Above all else, I’ve also gained a new reprieve from anxiety and paranoia. They are still there, but not in the same way that was crippling my ability to even call people. It’s really one of the greatest successes I’ve had in my life.
It’s highly strange though to now look back on my previous mind. I no longer identify with myself in a manic or a depressed state. Usually, I have the distance to say that what I do in those states is really not myself acting, but now it’s far different. I have a hard time even associating myself with those emotional states. I understand them and remember them, but it’s harder to hold in my mind what they feel like. It’s almost as if someone very close to me had them, but I did not have the episodes myself.
The outcome of this is a minor identity crisis. I have this new mind that seems to work better than it did before. There are mood swings, which I’m very used to, but there is a new element of clarity and expanded limits. I can no longer tell whether I’ll burn out or react negatively to a situation. I became a recluse to hide my behaviors and prevent any social interaction from worsening them, but now I seem to be able to tolerate more. But this leaves me uncertain as to how far my limits are.
I’ve red lined in the past, where I reached my limits and broke. But now those limits have changed, and I don’t know where they went. I don’t know if all of them are better, or if some have shrunk while others have grown. I really don’t know where I am and am in uncharted waters.
This is different as well from the changes in limitations that happen when I go on a new drug. New side effects are really not that new, and I adapt to them quickly because it’s clear how much they are impairing me. Traditionally, the side effects do not shift my social interaction or even stamina all that much. But now, all those goal posts have been moved, and I’m lost without knowing how far I can go.
As a result, I’m actually taking a small vacation due to the drug working. I’m taking only a single class this fall and sitting in on some others. I’m unsure of how far or how long I can withstand the pressures of academics, and I don’t want to be caught in another trap of taking on too much. It may seem strange to think that after getting better I need time off, but that’s exactly what I need because I do not know how much better I am. I don’t know how long I can withstand daily stress from reading, writing, arguing, and being judged on my work. So, as counter intuitive as it might seem, now that I’m better, I’m taking time off. Hopefully, at the end of it, I’ll know where I sit again and can feel comfortable in my own skin, knowing how far I can truly go.
Philosophy, Science, Bipolar I, and Life
I’ve been highly fortunate. I’ve found a cocktail of drugs that has had rapid success in stabilizing my moods without brain fog. It is the primary concern of mine to be able to stabilize my moods without sacrificing any of my mental capabilities. Unless it’s a severe depression, my mind works fairly well regardless of the mood that I am in. Coupled with being in academics, I’m forced to focus on maintaining my cognition as my primary target. And I’ve found it on abilify and lamictal.
I’m not ruling out the possibility of needing to change my dosing here and there, maybe a little more abilify, or a little less of the lamictal, but the buckshot has definitely hit the target and has stabilized me to a considerable degree. My manias no longer fly out of control, and my depressions are mild. Above all else, I’ve also gained a new reprieve from anxiety and paranoia. They are still there, but not in the same way that was crippling my ability to even call people. It’s really one of the greatest successes I’ve had in my life.
It’s highly strange though to now look back on my previous mind. I no longer identify with myself in a manic or a depressed state. Usually, I have the distance to say that what I do in those states is really not myself acting, but now it’s far different. I have a hard time even associating myself with those emotional states. I understand them and remember them, but it’s harder to hold in my mind what they feel like. It’s almost as if someone very close to me had them, but I did not have the episodes myself.
The outcome of this is a minor identity crisis. I have this new mind that seems to work better than it did before. There are mood swings, which I’m very used to, but there is a new element of clarity and expanded limits. I can no longer tell whether I’ll burn out or react negatively to a situation. I became a recluse to hide my behaviors and prevent any social interaction from worsening them, but now I seem to be able to tolerate more. But this leaves me uncertain as to how far my limits are.
I’ve red lined in the past, where I reached my limits and broke. But now those limits have changed, and I don’t know where they went. I don’t know if all of them are better, or if some have shrunk while others have grown. I really don’t know where I am and am in uncharted waters.
This is different as well from the changes in limitations that happen when I go on a new drug. New side effects are really not that new, and I adapt to them quickly because it’s clear how much they are impairing me. Traditionally, the side effects do not shift my social interaction or even stamina all that much. But now, all those goal posts have been moved, and I’m lost without knowing how far I can go.
As a result, I’m actually taking a small vacation due to the drug working. I’m taking only a single class this fall and sitting in on some others. I’m unsure of how far or how long I can withstand the pressures of academics, and I don’t want to be caught in another trap of taking on too much. It may seem strange to think that after getting better I need time off, but that’s exactly what I need because I do not know how much better I am. I don’t know how long I can withstand daily stress from reading, writing, arguing, and being judged on my work. So, as counter intuitive as it might seem, now that I’m better, I’m taking time off. Hopefully, at the end of it, I’ll know where I sit again and can feel comfortable in my own skin, knowing how far I can truly go.