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Not totally functional.

Posted Jul 06 2010 1:08pm
Something is up with my noggen and I'm not too sure what it is. It isn't good; that's about all I can say. Okay, no, I can also say that it is along the lines of the "crazy" shit. Which is by all means a total blast.

I've been fairly regular with my meds (taking around the same time each day) and haven't missed a dose, however the loss of the good fuzzy feeling of stability and sanity have taken a bit of a vacation. I was going to write an entry the other night as I was in the midst of a rather complete "not-all-straight-in-the-head" loop. But I didn't (clearly). I was afraid to move or do anything other than lay still on my bed and wait for the benzo to put me to sleep. I didn't know what I would do if I moved or tried to do anything else, so I laid there, and the chewed up 2mg of lorazepam I "ate" soon had me drifting off.

I was not *me*. I was this impulsive little monster. I cannot recall the crazy ass bat shit I was thinking or saying. I do remember that as my step-father walked by I had to fight back the urge to punch his head and scratch his face off. For no reason. I had so much evil energy and was for all intents and purposed, flipping the fuck out. I don't know how to explain how I felt or what was in my head. I was scared of myself. It was miserable. As I lay there waiting for the benzo to put me to sleep, I was once again half considering committing myself for one of those pleasant little 72 hour stays. But the nurses are fucking bitches, I hate the gay ass "activities" they make us do, and I really hate that the mental health workers are kinda pretty much stupid. Oh, and really freaking judgmental.

The point of all of this is that I am half there in that state again. My mind is spinning, I have many things to do and I am outraged that I cannot get it all done right *now*. My brain and body, the cells are vibrating and threatening to explode out of my skin. I am about to explode.

I'm doing a really shitty ass job of explaining this right now. Oh freaking well. I've made an ass out of myself at work several times the past week, several times a day that is, due to the fucking stupid ass shit in my head that clearly isn't working right. I just love acting like a crazy person at work. It's a super great activity.

Being at home, Mom isn't nearly as supportive any more, if at all. She has her "phases" of things she focuses on. Being super rad and helpful for me was a phase, and since she has moved on to other little activities. One was where she went to Whole Foods and would get gluten-free foods for me to eat since I have this little wheat/gluten allergy. That lasted a month or so, then she was on to her next thing. Currently it is making dog food from scratch that doesn't have the chemicals, preservatives, etc. that the commercially bought stuff does. Personally I think helping me reduce stress so I don't go flipping out (especially given that work is more stressful now and certainly not helping my situation). But heck, I guess that's just me being selfish.

Well so I'm pretty much done typing now. I can't sit still and I am freaking completely annoyed with typing and rather pissed I cannot seem to explain and do justice to how I am feeling right now. Which is pretty damn frustrating.


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