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Not *not* unstable.

Posted Jul 11 2010 11:59am 1 Comment

Not sure what to do at this point in time. Definitely not *not* unstable.

It usually happens in the afternoon, my guess is after the AM and 12pm doses of Lamictal wear off? I wonder what the half-life of lamotrigine is. I should look that up...

Okay, it's 13.5 hours. Well hell. Either my theory is wrong, or my metabolism for the rx is ridiculously fast. I'm guessing it's my metabolism seeing as how if I forget the 12pm does I am reminded around 2-4pm when I start totally wigging the frick out... "Why am I feeling freaking crazy? Oh that's right, didn't take that damn pill". This particular train of thought pisses me off in a rather big way; I am dependent on said damn pill, twice a day, in order to not totally wigg-the-frick-out. That is stupid. I usually remind myself to be thankful that there *is* such a pill to help with these matters and I remain calm and pleasant. Ah, but once the wigging-out has ensued (as is the current status) I rather put my damn fist through a wall. Or my foot. Or head.

You get the idea.

I cannot explain my head at this particular moment. Volatile. Angry. Short tempered and short on patience. Unable to think for all of the whirlwind rambles swirling in the brain. Kinda freaking out about tasks needed to be completed. Unsettled (which is a "duh" given the previous whirlwind statement). It's not the Adderall putting me into a dysphoric manic type state because I have been taking less and less of it.

Paranoia. For example, some days when I mow our wooded and hilly/bumpy 6 acres I am fine and rumble along on the riding mower in a relaxed manner. Other times I am completely terrified and convinced I'm going to flip it over when cutting grass at an incline. Freaked to the point where I *don't* cut the grass on the inclines. Quite a lovely look for the lawn, really. It's the same kind of freaked out as a couple years ago when I took my truck to the shop just about once a week for a couple months because I was convinced that it had major problems, such as the u-joints were bad and my driveshaft was going to fall out at any moment (so convinced that I would avoid the interstate completely to minimize the impact of the imminent crash. And I've been doing that same shit again when driving. Haven't taken it to the shop yet because 1) I don't have the $$, and 2) I don't feel like being embarrassed weekly as the shop dudes tell me my truck is perfectly fine and nothing to worry about. You know, shortly after I explain my drive shaft is going to fly out at any moment. Or that the wheel bearings will fail and my tire will fly off. Or that my breaks are about to fail and send me careening into a ditch or semi.

And here I am rambling and not even getting to the point of whatever I was sitting down to type here... whatever the hell that point was. Not sure at the moment.

I am considering taking another lamotrigine pill to kinda avoid the flipping out totally event and whatnot. I know, I'm not *any* fun. Ha. Ahhh but there remains the ultimate fear: the terrifying and vivid dreams throughout the night. I wake up shaken, upset, and strung out from the fears ensured over night. I spend what should be restful sleep frightened and emotionally tortured, waking up with memories of the dreams as thought they really occurred.

To go nuts in the daytime or to go nuts during the night... that is the question.

Dammit.



Comments (1)
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Maybe they could put you on lamactical xr twice a day, I take lamactical twice a day, but my effexor xr and my alprazalyn Xr I am allowed to take 3 to 4 times a day.
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