Well I am feeling a little less ill now, I still have a bit of a cough but am not feeling as totally minging as I was before.
I can’t believe it’s been nearly a week since I last posted. So what’s happened since then. I went out Friday night for my friend’s 21st birthday, it was ok I got to see the boy but I went home early as I wasn’t feeling well.
I feel kind of bad because I can make it on a night out yet cannot manage to actually get myself into class. Go figure.
I am feeling a bit better moodwise too since the meds got increased. Well maybe not actually mood wise I’m not exactly sure. I know that my sleep has finally sorted itself out and it’s no coincidence that it happened shortly after the increase.
I have got very little uni work done recently as I seem to just get distracted with everything else. It’s actually a wonder that I haven’t posted on here. Although I did manage to spare a few hours to go on a date to the cinema, Saw V is one godawful film in my opinion. The money could have been better spent…possibly on cigerettes, although I did have a good time which is a bonus I guess.
It’s hard for me to believe that the boy still wants to spend time with me, honestly I was sure he’d be sick of me by now, yet he still sends me at least one text everyday and is not ashamed to link arms with me in the street. I’m shocked. No-one has been interested in me that way before, apart from the blokes that just want to get their leg over but that’s a whole different story. I guess that’s where low self-esteem and low self-confidence kick in, I have a horrible feeling that I will end up pushing him away as I don’t know how to deal with people getting close to me. As you probably know if you read this blog that I spend the majority of the time trying to push people away as I am not worthy of their time and feel that they would be better off without the stress of having me in their lives.
I had an initial assessment with a psychologist on Monday, an American that my consultant hold in high esteem. First impressions were that he seemed nice and relatively easy to talk to. He asked me to tell him about the work I did with my previous CPN, what was good and what was bad. I really struggled with the former and had to hold myself back with the latter as I know she is still employed with the CMHT and it would probably come back and bite me at some point. I don’t like what I say being interpreted and being fed back to me. I never knew whether what he was saying was completely right, partially right or whether I understood what he thought I was thinking. I am not sure I am good at the whole talking thing as I used to be someone who totally bottled everything up and never talked to anyone about what was bothering me. Now I can talk about anything no matter how sensitive it should be for me. I could talk in length and detail about what led me to my suicide attempts, what led to me being arrested or what happened when I was raped but I’m not there when I am talking about these things. It is like my mouth moves and the words come out but my brain is totally shut off and I completely detatch myself from what I am saying. Unfortunately he picked up on it and thinks it’s something we should work on.
I realised that I am shocking for answering questions with a question. For example
HIM: So would you like to come back and see me?
ME: Well, do you think you can help me?
HIM: (very, very confidently) Yes.
I think he thinks I have more issues than I have. Not sure.
Anyway the outcome of this 90 minute interview is that he wants to do some Schema Mode Therapy with me. I am perfectly aware that this is a treatment aimed at borderline personality disorder but I think they want to work on my traits.
I am going to get some therapy which will potential benefit me a lot and which makes my care a bit more holistic which is always worse a try.
I am really worried. I had to agree to a nonsuicide pact. I am not allowed to make any attempt on my life without speaking to him first. I understand his reasons for this a) he is not a clairvoyant and does not know one and b) to protect himself as there is a chance that he will start to care about what happens to me. It is very sensible on his part I guess. I am scared that something will happen in my life that causes me to panic and do something stupid like overdose and get myself chucked out of treatment. I hate to let people down and this will put a lot of pressure on me to stay in control.
Next issue is that he wants to have at least one session a week, this is really badly timed as I start placement on Monday and already have to take time off for appointments and I feel like I am really going to piss my supervisors off on the first day. Good start. I’m going to go anyway as I can’t afford to pass this chance up and end up on a waiting list that I’d never get to the top of.
Again I am feeling that all of the control in my life has been passed to the professionals and the people around me. It’s frustrating and complicated.
I thought the treatment for bipolar was to help and to stabilise things and help me cope with it. At the minute it feels as if the professionals involved are rocking the boat that is my life and causing extra waves that I need to find ways to deal with.
I will just have to take a deep breath, calm down and just see how things go. Updates will follow and you will probably find out how the first psychology appointment goes.