In my previous post I was concerned about my son and our relationship. I felt so distant from him after all these years. After my dad died earlier this year I didn't take it very well. I felt he abandoned me, which I have felt most of my life. Everyone leave me. After the funeral it was hard to come home leaving mom behind. I abandoned her. Even thought I spent two years taking care of mom and dad both with memory problems I still had a quilt trip.
When I got home deep depression set in. I started to feel lonely and abandoned. Lately, I haven't felt the love I needed from my son or family. Is it all in my head?
I don't have a car so I spend a lot of time at home with a lot of time to think. I obsess over the thought of my son not spending enough time with me. I know I upset him sometimes and that makes me feel bad. But the words just pop out. Sometimes I can't help what comes out of mouth and at times it's hurtful. I apologize all the time and he just says, Mom, I'm your son, and I love you."
The other day we had a decent conversation for a change. I told him I needed some quality time with him - just he and I. Not every day and not every week, but not so long between each get together.
Last night, we went to the movies. It was wonderful and for the first time in a long time I felt alive and loved. He came over about 5:30pm, and went to the 7:15pm show and and had a great time together just like old times.
Having bipolar amplifies my feelings and I hate it. I try so hard to keep myself together. I want to get rid of my loneliness and have relationships in my life. I'm working on it - being a living non-social is another thing I need to work on.