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Today I am down, not really depressed but feeling lack of interest in doing anything and I donn't really have the energy.  Got the results of my ultra-sound today, turns out I have fibroid tumors so I am facing surgery.  My doctor said laser surgery might be an option, but she doubted it.  I donn't know how I am feeling about that right now, it's just out there and I really donn't feel any real emotion about it.  Carpenters are working on the inside of my house and I donn't know how much more I can take, I want to be alone in a quiet peaceful enviroment so I have had to leave everyday, but I am missing my safe place, my haven.  They are taking so long and I am afraid I will cycle into depression if they donn't leave soon.  There is nobody I can explain this to that would understand, so I say nothing and suffer in silence.  Just another lost soul among the many lost souls in the world.  

my mood today is very low, I have slept most of the day and every time I have tried to eat or drink, I have been in miserable pain because of the trac tube they put down my throat during surgery.   And I found out that this is just a preliminary surgery they do before the hystectomy.  The gyno said I would probably have to have the hystectomy, but this was a proticol that the hospital must follow.  Whooray!  More fun on the way.  This was not so bad, except for the tube down the throat that has made my whole trac sore.  I am on a low.  I sleep, I wake up,go to the bathroom get a drink crawl back under the covers and sleep until next time.  People come and go around me.  They speak to me and they tey tell me that I sometimes answer but I have no memory of doing so.  I am so exhausted.  I cannot explain how tired I am.  As a young girl I worked all day in the fields hot and sweating, with muscles aching and sweat dripping from my body.  But that does not come near to the exaustion I feel in my body now. I worked 16 hrs a day in a levi plant for Levi's jeans Monday through Friday and 8 hrs on saturdays. but it does not compare.  This is not just a body tired, it is a brain numbing tired.  Maybe soon it will leave. 

My daughter has MS and at 31 has a new boyfreind in his life.  At first, I was very nervous about this situation because this man has no home, no job and I see no future for the two of them.  As time goes by, my opinion begins to change, the man found a job a place to live and takes such good care of my daughter that he begins to slowly change my opinion.  He begins to spent lots of time at our home and as time goes by he opens up and begins to discuss his childhood and life with us.  On his 18th birthday, as a gift, his parents told him he was now an adult and kicked him out of their house.  He lived in his truck for 4 wks. until he found a job and could find a afford a place to stay.  Each of his brothers and sisters were done the same way.

How could a parent do this to their children?  My daughter is 31 yrs. old and I have no intention of ever kicking her out.  Her disability may one day require that I be there for her on a daily basis or vice versa.  You let your children go, but first you give them time to prepare for the outside world before you let them go.

It's  saturday again and I feel like I am stuck in the movie Ground Hog Day.  I went out for just a little while and my phone rang, it was my nephew.  He has just turned 13 and was screaming hysterically, after taking to him for a while I finally got him calmed down enough to tell me what was going on.

His father and one of his friends were drunk and hand gotten into a drunken brawl.  My nephew was afraid his dad was going to be badly hurt.  He had even went as far as to hold a gun to the other mans head.  I told my nephew to go into the other room and I would call 911 and would be there asap.  I had to call 911 Two counties down from where I was.  I hurried on my way down there and tried to call my nephew, he would not answer.

Finally the police called my cell phone and told me they had arrived at the residence and they had seperated the two men.  I ask if they would stay there until I got there and we [my daughter and I would take them to seperate residences].  They agreed.

When we arrived, we put both nephews in my car and went into the bedroom where my brother had finally almost passed out.  As things always go, for some reason everything was my fault, he lay there in his drunken stupor trying to blame me for the unknown, but sure whenever he figured out what it was it would be my fault.  He kept telling me that he knew I thought he was nothing but a sorry son of a  bitch.  I would only look at him and nod.  He told me what a worthless father he was.  I nodded in agreement.  I didn't have to say anything, he said it all for me. 

The thing is, my heart is tearing into pieces.  I am losing my brother to alcohol, I am watching my nephews go through the hell he puts them through.  And I no longer have a best friend.  I have let him blame me for all the wrongs in his life because I loved him so deeply and I thought as long as he blamed me, he would be alright.  Others have always put blame at my feet and I felt like one more person doing it couldn't hurt.  It might save his life, but it wonn't, the bottle is more important than any of us.

This is the same way we spent last saturday.