Robert Frost wrote “Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.” It has been my experience before, during, and now after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder that I never do that. Nope, I don’t. I would never take fences down because I am to busy plowing through them. Now that I am at a more stable position with my medication management, I do recognize I am not finding self destruction as a means for living. It is a positive for me and those that love me. With every positive, there is always that negative. Mine is dwelling on those broken fences, eagerly trying to mend them, and not knowing how. If I go back to Frost I realize I have never tried to figure out why the fence I destroyed was there at all.
So I did some introspection. I like that word it feels theraputic. I took one beat up fence and the pain of what I did and looked at why the fence was there. Was it to protect me? Did I need that boundary? My best reasoning led me to the knowing that I felt the need to self destruct. The fence under investigation here was keeping me on a road to something better. I blew it all to pieces because I could not recognize it’s health.
I am slowly learning to recognize the boundaries of the good things I am given. I am learning to use the gifts that come along properly. These are new experiences for me. Mistakes have led the way to better understanding. I step back. I don’t move quickly. I ask why.