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Management

Posted Feb 19 2009 6:26pm
My sleep schedule is so off-kilter. I am sleeping in until the afternoon, going to bed at 2 or 3. I feel as though the binging and purging is interfering, in some capacity, with my ability to maintain a consistent sleep cycle. Today, I woke up at 8am, but decided to sleep until 3:30pm. I wish I could understand the mechanism that is causing this behavior, but alas, I am just caught in the midst of it.

On another note, Anna came over last night. We chat at the Villager tavern for a bit, then she came back to my place and we viewed the film "The Fountain." It's the kind of movie that leaves one rather speechless after viewing it, and I was glad to see it with her, as it is one of my favorite films. We watched some Mushi-Shi and then read some poetry, before I realized it was 1am, and I figured it was late. Anna left; I got the kiss I felt I needed; she was so lovely. I really like this girl, even though it is up in the air whether she will be able to go to Asian New Year Festival with me. I got her a ticket, but she has a friend's birthday party that night, so she might not be able to go with me. I'm more than a little disappointed by this, but I figure it cannot be helped. I want her to be happy, and I try to operate under that principle. My biggest worry is smothering her with attention; I want to be someone she can depend on but not demonstrate that right out. I have issues with dependency, and with Anna, I really am trying to keep some distance and let things happen, without my silly interference. I still wish I could talk to her right now, though.

The cognitive psychology exam I had on Tuesday went decently. I studied for less than 30 minutes, but since it was an introductory course I felt competent. If I passed the exam then I will be happy, as I was a little dumbfounded by more than a few questions on the exam. I am glad it is done with! Senioritis seems to be getting to me.

I should have read 10 chapters for my martial arts film and literature class today, but I've only gotten to chapter two. I have little drive to do much tonight. I find myself torn between binging and purging and just writing stuff for my poetry workshop. I saw my therapist today, and that was rather amusing, as I made it like a scene-within-a-scene, as I described how I felt. 

I mentioned how I felt as though I need to make situations less anxious/awkward to fit an ideal situation I have in my head. In a way, I manipulate my circumstances to be less evocative and more calming. Even as I told my my therapist this, I was engaging in the behavior. I felt anxious and like I HAD TO TALK to her and be the good client. So I found random tangents to talk about, even if they weren't significant, because I hate awkward silences.

On an entirely different, though related, note, I've been drinking quite a bit. I feel as though it relieves my anxiety in the evening. 

At any rate, I am just relaxing tonight, and looking forward to the weekend, and seeing Anna.

-Mt
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