This past Saturday we were invited to a birthday party for the wife of an acquaintance of my husband’s. But see…because of my bipolar disorder , I don’t go to things like that. I don’t do well in crowds of people. Like, I could have someone, or even a couple, over for dinner or something like that, and do fine. But I can’t go out like to a party, because it really makes me nervous and stresses me out and triggers my bipolar disorder.
Well, my husband knows this, and he’s real protective of me. So we just told the guy who invited him that he wasn’t feeling well. But it makes me think that, well, this is just another way that bipolar disorder limits me. And that bothers me.
But then I think about it. What is actually bothering me about it? That I used to be more social “before”? Well, yeah, I used to be more social before. Before I was diagnosed. Before when I used to go into manic episodes all the time. Of course you’re more social then. I talked to everybody about everything and just wouldn’t shut up! Now, was that better than I am now? No way! I’d rather be the way I am now, truth be told.
Yes, it’s a sacrifice. No, I’m not comfortable being the way I am now. But I sure prefer it to the way I used to be, if it took a manic episode to be that way! I sure don’t want to go back there. I’m glad I’m stable now, and I cherish that stability. So what if I can’t be around crowds now? I just have to make allowances for it. And so what if I miss a party here and there? It won’t hurt me. And at least it preserves my stability.
Feeling sorry for myself because I don’t go to parties any more wouldn’t accomplish anything. It’s probably a good thing that I don’t go. Because back in the day when I did go to parties I just got myself into trouble anyway. These days things are much simpler, more peaceful, and definitely more stable. And I don’t have any hangovers in the morning, either!
No, I wouldn’t trade my stabiliity for any amount of party going in the world. I’m grateful for what I have, and for who and what I am today. And the truth is, I don’t miss being able to go to parties at all.