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LOSING IT NOW! You Hating Me Would Be A Blessing! At This Point, I Don’t Care!

Posted Nov 14 2013 12:00am

Yes, quite a title that.  Not enough room for all the really insane things I’ve been doing straight since the morn’.  I want to sleep. Right.  Sure.  I want to stop shaking.  Valium?

Breakfast: A tin of fizzy water, Gravol and cigarettes.  Oh, meds too.

Lunch: Valium and cigarettes.

Have I reached a breaking point? I’ve been crying about it before. Now I just can’t stop.  My T-shirt is covered in so many tears, it’s actually making me cold.  Turn up the heat.

The first phrase is true.  I’ve been that way for a bit, but it’s been increasing exponentially.  So much, that I haven’t even left the house for almost a week.  I think I’ve changed my pyjama bottoms.

Because, that’s almost as long ago as when it happened.  And I can’t hear back from them.  And now I’m so unbelievably, incredibly upset to turn on my goddamn mobile when its battery dies, because I KNOW there won’t be emails, txts, anything.

YES!!! HATE ME LATER if you read this, but I lost it somewhat less, when I unconsciously realized it a few days ago.

The first time I “was on the other end of the ca…”  BUT DON’T YOU DARE SAY I WASN’T UPSET TO BE THERE!!! YOU CAN HATE ME FOR THAT, BUT I’LL HATE YOU RIGHT BACK!!!

…i was only reminded of the times i did it to so many others and felt like total shit and…(oh, dear god, the one in the other country! now i know how you felt! this person is in another country too! i wish i could tell you, the one who…) *filled to brim with different kind of pain*

I got a txt.  1.5 hours of (whether you believe it or not) ““ and other psychological means, of getting a friend through not committing suicide.

The psychic stuff would be a whole other post.  I still may not be able to prove it to you, but ever since I was a wee sprite! The stories I could tell you.

It worked? As far as I can tell.  Some stuff taken but not enough for an OD.  However two days later, just how part of the communication has always worked for me.  I missed something over the phone! Dammit!

As mentioned above, this person is not in the same country.  I cannot reach them.  At all.  Period.

This person needs time to recover after overwhelming and traumatic events.  This I know.  This I also know: it has been the longest length of time where we have not been in contact after they taken time to recover–at least to say something.  Although, I would say  event would be considered traumatic?

I also know what this person says too.  Every single time they are gone to take a break and recover.

Even with a plethora of a plethora of emails and txts I sent, HATE ME FOR THOSE!!! HATE ME BY OVERLOADING YOU, BY CHECKING ON YOU EVERY DAY AND TRYING TO FIND YOU SOMEHOW!!!

This person may be ignoring their mobile and email altogether.  Or they may not have access to them.  They may not have seen  I’ve sent them.  I’m trying to be patient but waiting this long? SO OUT OF MY MIND!!! 

As this person would say, something could be “jamming the signal.”  I keep getting a read on the status (alive, dead, hospital?) Then I’m wrong, back to another, or another, or just a blank slate. The twins are either right with me, saying I’m perfectly on target, or lost altogether themselves.

I’ve even given up trying to hone in; asking the twins for their help.  But my mind won’t let me! I keep going back.  I do keep trying to find or feel something.

Maybe I’m not strong enough, or it’s all too far away–even something jamming the signal on that person’s end.  Again, trust me.  You get TWO highly elevated psychics together (this person more than me though) and it can be pretty powerful.  Not to mention, as far as I’m concerned, too many links in our lives alone that would perfectly balance a seesaw.

THIS.PROBABLY.MAKES.NO.SENSE.TO YOU.

Welcome to my headspace right now.

I’ve crossed a bit of a boundary.  Maybe more than a bit.  Although it might get me an answer?

OH!!! HATE ME FOR THAT TOO!!! HATE ME BECAUSE YOU WILL BE SO MAD THAT I’VE DONE THAT?? WELL, HATE ME FOR LOVING YOU THAT MUCH, EVEN IF YOU THINK IT’S SELFISH!!! IT MIGHT MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH YOU WILL ACTUALLY SPEAK TO ME!!!

This person knows I was going to do this so they ran interference? Bugger!

I went so mental with all of my diagnoses in the ugliest Easter Basket you’ve ever seen (aren’t they all ugly?) I ended up in the ICU for several days after attempting suicide.  Who the hell drew the line there to say yay or nay? I in a coma after all that time! That’s a pretty bang up job! OD Grade… An A- perhaps?

This person’s clearly gone MIA, my brain’s clearly going (if not already gone MIA.)  You already know what’s gonna happen here.

This has taken me right up from the beginning of sunshine to my actual divided afternoon dose of meds.  I don’t they’ll make stable as they had been doing before.  MIA? Combination of PTSD, Dissociation and total Mania.  Oh, the Agoraphobia too.  I know the Asperger’s is waiting in the wings.  No. here now.  Rocking, rocking…  Done.  Click.

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