Health knowledge made personal
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The past few weeks have been shit to tell the truth. Which is why I haven't written much. I don't like to go on and on about the real shitty shit. I hate being a downer. And I like to try to stay positive, and writing what's in my head sure as hell isn't positive... so I haven't been writing. Makes sense to me.
The gist of the situation: My brain is successful in going nuttier. I'm in a pretty damn shitty ass state. It sucks balls. I've upper lamotrigine to 250 for the past few days (no change), and I will soon be titrating up to 300mg/day. The vivid dreams have already set in and they are a blast. I love waking up mentally exhausted. Getting to spend the 45 minute drive to work at 4:30 in the morning reflecting on the night before and trying to sort factual experiences from the fictional dreams is an extra bonus. I'm getting to know lorazepam and vicodin again, we are fast friends. I'm back to the gluten-free thing since I have a "mild" alergy to the stuff. It's not helping me body feel better so far. I'm having issues with eating again, as in I like to eat A LOT. Most of the day is a battle of wills between my self-control and my stomach and ridiculous urge to eat. As a part of the going nuttier issue, I have been tearing open and enjoying the blood that oozes out of my scabbed over bug bites and crap. My legs look pretty freaking nasty right now. I'm never gonna get laid again looking like a fucking freak show with scabs and scars. I also kinda cut over an old scar on my calf the other day while at work. I was going crazy as bat shit and stuck in publiK (said like Ron White). I couldn't leave and go home. So I made it work. It was fun kinda, I've been holding myself back from doing that activity again for a while. It was nice to finally give in to the temptation and relax. The heat and humidity here have been absolutely ridiculous. I'm hot and cranky when driving around and about, so I haven't gone to the gym. Or tanning. I refuse to do something that will make me hotter when I'm already miserable. Which isn't helping the whole physical attractiveness thing in my book; getting pale and flabby is bad new bears. It's whatever though. There are idiots out there that dig the curvy bitches with that hourglass/Kardashian figure going on. And these idiots stare. And yeah whatever mom says I should be thankful I am attractive and get people to stare, but fuckitall, when I'm already feeling like shit, paranoid, and half-spazzed out of my mind staring from strangers doesn't help. Neither does the fact my inhibition is lowered and my I have this tendncy lately to say whatever the hell is in my mind regardless of any consequences. This usually involves a hell of a lot of cursing. In public. At work. While on the clock. Sometimes/often within ear shot of customers. Always within ear shot of other employees. It's special. I'm special. I hate so much. I may take some larazepam now. I've napped for a bit today. Every time I try to do something goal-oriented (like school shit or sitting down and re-writing the iPhone theme to be compatible with the 4.0.1 firmware crap) my brain vibrates into a frenzy and that activity is short lived. Like 30 seconds short. So I'm not getting shit done and just getting pissed off when I bother trying to do anything... see the conundrum? My solution at this point is to make myself pass out and then I no longer feel like I have to do something and yet not be able to do anything. That would be lovely. Goodnight. Maybe at some point I'll elaborate and the shit-ness specifics. But I don't know, it doesn't seem to do any good talking about stuff on that level of not-good-stuff. |
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