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Leave takings

Posted Jan 07 2013 5:26pm
I got a bit panicky this afternoon when I realized I'll miss my family when I go home and that my mom will see me to the station and she'll cry and I'll want to cry too because I'll miss her and the others and because she is hurting and it's my fault.

That last one's is hard. I don't like causing pain and I go out of my way to prevent it or I get very abrupt and harsh if I have too. It's hard to "let someone down easy" because it drags the process out and I have to think about what people feel how it's my fault.

Sometimes that hurt I caused my husbands come back with overwhelming power, or the cats that I have killed (or died in my care, if you prefer), or the image of my mom at a station crying. I am sure it's a totally ordinary reaction, but if I could remove the pain by taking myself out of their lives or erasing myself I would.

One of the reason I have never considered suicide in a really serious way is because it'd hurt people. You may think that's normal, but I have really wanted to die and the guilt has held me back. I could stop my pain, but I won't.

As I said, I got a bit panicky over leaving everyone, and I thought instantly of dulling the pain with Lorazepam which added additional panickyness. I have trouble facing everyday pain and it scares the shit out of me. It's an addict's behavior, one of the reasons why it's so hard to quit, having to face your feelings.

I don't want to have feelings. I got a new cat when I have to put the old one down. I surf the web, or read, or watch TV with obsessive abandon, to avoid thinking about work and keeping my skills sharp and learning new things to keep myself marketable. I also avoid thinking about my health, my weight, my friends (neglecting them), projects I never start and never finish. I seek perpetual contentness, so that nothing can touch me, be it fears, sadness, loss, or longing. The bipolar drugs help with that, the lorazepam does too, and alcohol certainly does.

I am scared of feeling things because it's been so overwhelming and disabling in the past. Really disabling. I used sleep back then. It's very effective and extremely destructive. You can sleep away your life, school, apartment, grip on reality.

I know I am missing out by avoiding. I am scared to care for people, to get involved with them. I get so invested and they don't. So, when I shut down a bar chatting to the bar tender I never go back; if I have an intimate moment, I avoid eye contact the next time I meet that person. Sometimes, I barely say hello. I don't want to face to disappointment of the connection being just in my head.

I am handling the Frank-thing so well because I refuse to think about it, but when all those upcoming goodbyes floated to the surface, this afternoon, he did too.

It hurts that he just dropped me and it sucks and I hate it and I want to take off on a drug induced journey that leads to a soft nothingness.

And the funny thing is that I'd rather think about loosing Frank than about my mom.
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