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Labile Emotions

Posted Jan 02 2010 5:44pm
I've been wearing myself out lately (and not blogging too often, so I have several post-it notes at my desk relating to the blog and things I want to get off of my chest...

My moods and emotions have been all over the place. It's crazy. I can wake up in the morning, be at home, sad, half teared up, then 20 minutes later while I am driving to work or school, I feel as though there is air beneath my body, lifting me to great heights of happiness as (typically) obsess over one particular event, instance, idea, etc. There is of course the explosive reactions of anger and emotion, most often peppered with curse words when I am at work and someone does something stupid that affects my particular job. I speak without thinking (although I am getting a bit better at thinking BEFORE things come out of my mouth) and pretty much do not have a filter. There are times when I restrain this tendency, but if I am feeling emotion to a certain degree I will get carried away and run my mouth and be loud and obnoxious. It's embarrassing to act like an idiot (which sometimes I realize I am being stupid as I am doing it (that small voice goes off in my head telling me to shut up) but more often I realize after the fact, and then try to avoid the person I acted like an ass around, or even try extra hard to be calm, cool, and collected the next time I run into them. Which... the drastic changes in mood may in the end make me look even more like a jackass. I hate feeling like people reject me. I HATE it. I beat myself up when I act stupid in front of others. I am overly sensitive to them rejecting me (I HATE saying this out loud) so my social blunders are quite distressing. After I am too stressed by it then I flip modes and turn on the "I don't give a sh*t" attitude and basically say everyone is stupid and I don't care if they like me.

I don't know where I am going with all of that :-)

I've been going to Walmart and especially Target a lot lately (they are both by work) and I just buy buy buy. It's annoying really. I mean how many freaking packs of Sharpie markers does one person REALLY need? And how many Pilot (by Papermate) ball point pens does one person need? And am I really going to use an orange ball point pen?!?! It's not just pens, nail polish, cases for my iPhone, and just random a** sh*t. I am very impulsive. Granted it's not a totally spending spree, I mean I am not buying a house or a car on a whim (keeping in mind that I don't have the $$ or credit to do those things anyhow) but I have blown a decent portion of the bank account. I've bought more neuroscience texts than I can read over the next 6 months, and so much crap from the internet (usually eBay). Vintage shirts, bracelets, home decor items, and just *stuff* that I don't NEED, but since I cannot decide what to get I end up just getting it all. I've been a little indulgent with myself to say the least.

I'm hopping back on my obsessive train with regard to eating and working out. I am logging all of my food I eat, which is awesome because it holds me accountable for what I put in my mouth. When I see how many calories I have consumed throughout the day, that piece of chocolate at night isn't so temping anymore. Once the school semester starts up I will return to being an obsessive gym freak as well (the school gym will be open) and listen to neuroscience lectures and things on my iPhone.

My obsession with graduate school apps is over and I don't want to do them anymore. I've scheduled tomorrow as my day this weekend to work on the ones that are due in January. But I get so distracted when I work on them! It's annoying and freaking difficult to stay on task.

Multitasking, my friend, my enemy. I can't seem to just sit with one thing right now. When I get up in the morning, I will start the coffee, after I put the grounds in and before I've added the water, I decide I should make my lunch. While doing that I make a list for the grocery, then I want coffee and remember I didn't start it. I finish the coffee, go back to my bedroom, pull out some clothes, remember I need to take a shower, go into the bathroom, see my make up on the counter and start applying that, then I remember the shower, so I turn the shower on and then stare into the mirror and decide I need to tidy up my eyebrows. Half way through the coffee says it's done, I get a cup, back into my room, and end up on the computer with the shower running, checking email and looking for apps for my phone. Etc etc etc etc. That's why I need my post-it notes, I have things fly into my mind and either I will start doing that instead (half the time I do anyhow) or I can write it down and then carry on with whatever it is that I was originally doing. Frustrating really. But I'm trying to make it work. The mood shifts and that dark feeling of wishing for death momentarily isn't any fun and I don't like when it comes around. I also hate the explosive head feeling. And right now, I feel like crap. Just crap. So I am done typing now. I am frustrated with it and want to throw the laptop out of the window. I will resume to teaching myself how to backup every last document or thingie I will need on my laptop and then doing a "clean" reinstall of Vista ultimate. I'm totally NOT a technology person, but my determined nature and smart little crazy brain make it work somehow as I fly along by the seat of my pants.

Lamictal and dreams



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