How is it that my aloneness can turn a regular day into a cold, murky place where it rains with no wind and I can’t put a coherent thought together? I’m uncomfortable in my own skin so much so that I had to talk myself into the shower today. I’m a water person so when I don’t want to shower it’s an issue. I recognize this, so I jumped in quickly thus assuring myself that it was not really an issue. Uh huh.
My below the surface, well-hidden stress has my face broken out like a chocoholic fifteen-year old. I’ve been here before – 30 years ago – breaking out wasn’t pleasant the first time and much less so in my 40’s. I’ve been eating crap lately – a difficult and painful task after gastric bypass. Seems all I want to eat is French fries. That’s some healthy stuff there. (Think I’ll go turn on the oven)
My dreams have been really vivid lately, an additional sign of lurking issues. The dreams make no sense but seem very real. I sleep a lot lately; also not a good sign but a fertile ground for those vivid dreams. I’ve told my husband that a wave was heading for the shore; not much he can do but pay attention and hope I don’t drown or pull us both under. Unfortunately, he’s away right now and my daughter’s at school or work so there is no one around to know that I have to shove myself out the front door to get to the life boat.
But where to go once I’m out of the house? I want to go shopping but that’s a slippery slope. I’ve been decorating for Christmas and that keeps me busy but isn’t keeping me happy – a strange and unusual experience. I love this time of year and it rarely brings on depression, if anything I tend to get manic with all of the hustle and bustle. Not this year, sadness is swirling through my bloodstream, splashing on the shores of my soul and dampening my holiday spirit. The worst part; I don’t know why. I don’t always know why but it’s usually not so random. I don’t do random well. I’m on a need to know basis with my episodes and right now, I need to know. But no one’s talking; my brain is providing no clues or maybe I’m just not listening.
The oven just beeped – French fries are ready. Gotta go.