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JOURNAL: Yes and No

Posted Nov 10 2008 4:52pm


I am pissed, sad, pissed, agitated, irritated, and want to destroy everything I can get my hands on. I have tons of energy yet I want to sleep. I want to do my studies but when I try to type one word from my book onto my Word.docx it makes me want to throw the lap top OUT OF THE WINDOW.

I happy and thrilled and motivated about school yet I don't want to do any homework or work on finding a prof for my honors thesis. I think I am pretty and an awesome person who anyone would want to hang out with and 10 seconds later I believe I am fat and disgusting and wish I disappear so nobody would ever have to look at me again. 20 seconds after that I think I am pretty again.

I have chills. There is ringing in my ears. My joints are pressured and my head feels like it is going to explode of I don't run around the block 53 times but at the same time I am tired and want to sleep the entire day away but I also want to do homework but then I also want to read psych journals about mental disorders and psychopharm but then I should go to campus and study to get out of the house but the idea and prep of leaving is to much because I am too paranoid for people to look at me because all they will see is fat and disgust and then they will think mean things and judge and hate me for being so lazy as to end up this way but still though, my face can be pretty, especially if I put some makeup on it then it can be pretty but...

Back and forth back and forth back and forth. I am everything at once and it is absolutely exhausting. I would like to know how to turn my mind off. To stop compulsively checking the same 5 websites over and over and over to see if anythign has changed yet or not and over and over even though I really don't want to do it... crap I don't know.

I have tried deep breathing... muscle relaxation techniques... and they help, but only *while* I am doing them. As soon as I stop the wack-a-doodle-ness comes back into my brain. And I have to stop because I have to start again on my studies. It's all very exhausting. I want a break.

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