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JOURNAL: Ultra Rapid Cycle Day

Posted Nov 10 2008 4:52pm

I woke up this morning after sleeping for about 4 hours and was wide awake. I got ready and did study stuff for class (btw I got a 20/20 on the quiz the study was for, I might be crazy but I'm damn intelligent). I went to Target to get some reading glasses until I get to the optometrist and then I went to campus. All the while I was happy, singing my remixed 80s dance songs at the top of my lungs and feeling good about everything in general. Bought my glasses at Target, and some beaded bracelets and a watch (which I used my student loan money for) and then on to school. I was in class and happy and chipper and bought some shose online (bc I dont have any and they are a XMas gift form my Grams) and sitting with my legs up on the seat next to me, laughing, talking loud, being boysterous, etc. but towards the end of class my sister said I was not happy anymore at all. After class I called mom and she told me I need to start doing stuff or soemthing and I needed to see about getting on Disability (since I couldn't work anymore and have been hospitalized twice) and then I got mad about the 10 lbs lithium weight I have put on and she said "can you go off the lithium now that you are on Revia and not cutting" and THAT was more than I could take because she doesnt understand that lithium isn't just for CUTTING but its for the whole part about NOT GOING CRAZY and keeping my mood stable duh and since I'm still OBVIOUSLY not stable I don't think quitting is s good idea duh I hate that nobody understands or can help me here nobody and that was too much for me I am too stressed or something I don't know I am tired or trying to figure shot out and make sense of it and hold it together and I don't know exactly but I started wiggin out and everything was too much my head was explaoding and I wanted to smash it through to window I was standing in front of so I told mom I had to get off the phone and I did and I couldn't walk into class my shirt was pulling on my shoulders and my hair was touching my face and I was being smothered and chocked and my head was exploding inside and shooting around adn around and my ears are ringing and I had to get away from all of these fucking people before I started yelling adn screaming at the top of my lungs so I bit my mouth and cut my lips and came into the bathroom and I've been sitting in this stall alternating between silently sobbing and hitting the concrete brick wall and trying to stilfe my screaming in my throat and my chest is so tight I feel like my head is going to explode the walla are closing in around me I'm being squeezed tighter and about to pop and those people oh that damned people looking at me oh no I 'm not going out there so I'm typing on here bc I am supposed to write this kind of crap down bc it's supposed to be "thereputic" and it helps me bc I can pretend like I'm talking to someone else and it makes me feel a little less alone and I can't leave here it is all too much one move, one more uncomfortable sensation or one more lok from someone else and I will fucking lose it so I am sitting in the bathroom stall on my lap top and wow I just realized what a fucking tool I am how pathtic I want to run out of here and straight to my trucxk and get as far away from people looking at me as I can get but I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS so I'm not letting myself but I can't quit get myself to go into the classroom or even the library so I'm sitting here... like a frikin moron and my hands are shaking and it's hard to type bc I want to run punch yell scream and fly and I can't allow that so I just sit here and I don't know what to do but I'm done typing now bc I can't hold my hands still they shake tooo much

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