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JOURNAL: stress + mania = not so good

Posted Mar 06 2009 2:55pm

i'm having crazy person problems and its really affecting my school grades in all of my classes and i don't know what to do about this at all for example there is a research paper for biopsych that i am really excited about it and i found a great narrow topic and i now have 9 journal articles on my desktop that i can use for reference but i am having a problem getting the larger concept put together. i can take notes all day long but my mind goes totally blank when it comes time to writing the actual paper. the same for two other classes i have where i have to write analytical literary essays i can read the books and look up crap on line and find out all sorts of great information and make all sorts of insightful connections but i cant get the actual paper written. so far today, i have done nothing. i have not made any progress at all with anything bc i sit down and i will start doing something and then before i know it i have four window browsers open one looking up stuff for each class and i go back and forth between them and can't settle on just one to do and then i get pissed off at myself and then i cant focus at all and then i end up shopping for clothes and bracelets on eBay and spend $$ i really shouldn't and then i look back at the one browser to find some more info and i get to the point where i swear i think i have found all of the info i need but then i end up still not being able to take the info on my head, the notes i have, the research and sources, i can't put it into a paper no matter how hard i try and i don't get why there is such a disconnect here with this . i don't get it at all and its' driving me wild. the same with reading stuff, i can sit and read but i get two pages and then my mind is off someone where doing other things and then i bring it back (after buying a vintage shirt on ebay) and go back to the studying and this cycle repeats itself all night long and i stay up until 5 am to study before exams and i still get B's and C's (i have a 4.0 so this is pretty bad for me) and i hate myself for being a failure and i don't know what to do to fix this bc it is so hard to live inside this screwed up brain of mine that doesn't do what i tell it to do and it goes and does it's own damn thing and the stuff i want so desperately to get done often times don't, and don't have the results i expected and i don't know what to do. i feel lost and adrift at sea alone where nobody can relate or understand and they just think i am being lazy and that is all but i swear to god i have the "good" self in the brain who wants to do well in school and then i have the little "brat" self who controls everything and the good version of me is helpless and so sad that she can't get the stuff done that she needs to. okay i'm tired of venting now and i feel even dumber. i feel stupid. i am mad at the world. i hope i can meet with my prof (who is a clinical psychologist who has lots of experience with bipolar) if anything just to talk to him about this and know that he understands and doesn't think like "other" people who just think i am being lazy and stupid and that if i *really* wanted to, i could study. god i hate when people say that. sometimes they dont even have to say it but i can see it in their eyes they are thinking it about me and that makes me want to scream. crap look here, it's already 10pm and i have done NOTHING for school today. one whole day.... wasted and down the drain bc i am a damn ________________. i don't know what to call myself. i am so upset thought right now and i feel trapped inside this awful place i mean i live in my head and i live in my mind and this is my immediate living environment and if it is all screwy then the place i live in is screwy and at the same time i am driven to achieve and excel at everything i do (especially school) and i'm not which makes me basically hate and angry ad this isn't good for anyone lol. i'm tired of typing now.

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