I had a study date with a gal from my stats class yesterday morning... I cancelled. I had an appointment to participate in an hour long experiment for a psych class at school... I cancelled. I was supposed to go to my friend's house after my classes... I cancelled.
I supposed it's a good thing that I know how to manage my stress and I can tell where my limits are as far as dealing with or being around other people and/or additional stimulation, both physical, mental, and emotional. Yet... I still feel like shit about being such a flake. Granted I gave plenty of notice and nobody was inconvenienced by my lack of participation, I still am quite disappointed in Ann for not being able to behave and interact like a normal human being.
When I am not well in my mind, it takes all of my resources and energy to keep me functioning and from going too berserk. With that said, I do not have any energy left over to deal with other people. I have nothing left inside to offer them. I cannot even listen to their problems/issues/concerns/etc and give a supportive response back beyond "um" or "uh-huh". And then I get terribly frustrated listening to it and I want to scream my damn head off. I can even get mean or snappy with people... and when that happens, part of me is sitting up inside of my mind screaming at me to shut up and quit being an insensitive jerk but I have no control over my body and cannot stop. And then I feel even worse about myself afterwards.
I have high standards for myself and *hate* failure in any aspect of my life or interaction with others. I *HATE* it. It is not allowed so when I do act like a frikin' jerk I beat myself up over it. Yeah, I know that isn't healthy and I know plenty of cognitive ways to restructure my thoughts and behaviors with that belief... but the desire to be perfect is too strong and there isn't a damn thing that can be done to change that. I don't shy away from social interactions because I am depressed. And it annoys the piss out of me when people assume that. I do it as a form of stress management. If someone wanted to come over here and visit with me, they would be more than welcome to do so. That would be easier than me going anywhere, which adds to my stress.
Blah. It boils down to this stupid obligation I have placed upon myself (perhaps stemming from being the oldest sibling and always in the caretaker position for the younger one). I become angry with Ann when she cannot uphold that role. If I have a relationship with someone in which I feel they "need" me for anything, support or otherwise, then I must fill that role, and I am not "allowed" to and I am unable to let myself lean on them in return for support. The end result... I have nobody to which I can turn and feel safe with. I am always on guard, vigilant, and relaxing only when I am alone with myself. Even then it is not a total relaxation... I long for comfort and touch of someone to help me through. But I don't have that, it is not meant to be at this time, so I try not to dwell too much on it because that is a dead end road that will not get me anywhere.