Mentally, I'm doing better. I threw in a little more of something and it's helping... I think... sorta. Anyhoo... that's irrelevant. This entry is going to be a journal entry as I type aloud my current funky-ness that I have found myself in and am trying to work through. It's like on the one hand I want to meet someone, maybe date, or at least have a "special" friend. I feel adventurous, social-like, and confident. Then, as soon as I make a step in that direction, I freak the frik out. I panic because people suck and I hate the idea of wasting my time. I get scared of people (ouch, that was hard to write, because it's true and I haven't said that before). Experience has taught me that people are dumb and not many of them are the kind of person I am looking for. But then I get mad and feel like I may be missing out on "life" by not going out and meeting people and dating. But then I look at my little dog and see how happy I am with her and doing homework and so there isn't a point to me going out. But then I think I am being a hermit and that isn't good. But why bother with people when most suck and I so frequently flip flop with my mental states and sometimes literally can't go out because it's too much to handle mentally. I could keep going on here but I'm hoping you get the idea of what I am trying to say. I kinda want to but I kinda don't. And I go back and forth in my head.
Right. I find myself in a pit of a pickle. First off, I did a dumb thing and posted a profile on Match.com and Yahoo.com. I've been a hermit and if I go anywhere it's to hangout with my friends, most likely at M's place, so I never meet anyone new. I'm single, nice, smart, and many other "good" qualities so there isn't any reason why I shouldn't go on a few dates during my time off over winter break. It will be good for me to show myself there are other good people out there who aren't stupid (which will help me move on from some past things). I know what I'm looking for can exists, I found something pretty close to it once, so I *know* it's there. I'm being optimistic. I'm being positive. I'm being adventurous. So here I am and I'm trying to "got out there" and "move forward" etc etc etc etc etc.
But... people are frikin' weird/desperate/clingy/psycho. I mean really. I don't even know what to say about some folks. Some I have discovered spend ALL of their time on the site because each time I log in I get and instant message from them, which I find kinda creepy. There are a few that "chatted" with me briefly while I was online (really superficial stuff, nothing deep or meaningful) and then less than 24 hours later they send me an email telling me how much they "miss" talking with me, etc. :::insert twilight zone music here::: how is that even possible for something to even think they miss something they have never seen in real life and onlay exchange some quick IM's with about absolutely nothing?!?! Frikin' idiots. Okay that was harsh. I shouldn't have said that. I'm just frustrated. Hell, I have a profile (although I haven't paid the subscription fee) and I'm not saying that all internet people are crazy (I also write a blog for Pete's sake) and note everyone is emotional dumb and clingy... so why I am only drawing the clingy crazy ones? Ahhhhhhh so confused. Ha and then I wonder if I'm not the crazy one!!
Okay, back on topic. Part of me is pissed and irritated at these sort of people, and part of me feels sorry for them that so much meaning and importance from social connection is via a computer screen. And I am thankful that is not me. And at the same time I am still frikin' irritated and need to vent to someone (my mystical magical unknown blog readers) about this. And I know you invisible people are out there, my stat counter tells me so. It just doesn't tell me *who* you are. I kinda wonder actually... I mean heck, there are people from every continent except for South America that view this thing. And there are "regular readers", which I really appreciate :) thank you all!! It's nice to know I'm not talking to Neo or someone hahaha!!
Back to my ranting... There's this other dude, who kept sending me emails telling me ALL about himself, and he was a Stage 5 Clinger. Dude would send an essay, then I would reply shortly saying I was busy with school and I've been sick so I couldn't email or "chat", then he would give another essay, and at first he did the whole "just want to get to know you" approach and after I said "look dude I am way to busy with school to email and get to know you" he then replies with some desperate essay about really wanting to take me out on a date and blah blah blah. Then I again tell to kid (who's actually 28) that I'm not into the whole dating thing, sorry. And today he sends me an email saying he hopes my day is going well and that I am feeling better and all of this other crap... and while I can see the intent is nice there, I find myself being soo irritated with this person. Here is my logic: HE DOESN'T KNOW ME. Not at all. Therefore, he cannot care about me. If you do not care about someone, then it does not matter if they are having a good day or not. *SO* his little claim about "hoping I have a good day" and "just thinking of you" is stupid. It's false. It does not stem from any sort of actual meaning or feeling that he has towards *ME* as he does not even know me. It is his "idea" of what I am, or what I could be to him, that is in his mind. It's not *ME*. Which is just stupid. It's desperate and I almost feel bad for him. That isn't the kind of person I want. I don't want someone who is like that. Someone who is so... I don't even know how to say it. So... emotionally immature. So.... yeah I can't put it into words. But sheesh.
There's another one that stands out from the rest too in terms of ranking as another Stage 5 Clinger. He's 37 (so I would have thought he wasn't warped), dude sends me an email saying how I should give older dudes a cahnce, etc. etc. He said this because my profile SPECIFICALLY said for really older people to NOT email me because I am not interested in trying to date or even just sleep with someone who is *much* older because I just don't like the thought. Not my cup of tea. Around 32 is my limit, and that still kind makes me crinkle my nose (I am only 24). Back to this nutty guy. So, he sends the first email where he tells me I should try him out. Hmm... so I'm not so big on the arrogant dude who tells me what I *should* do. If I was into that, I would have stayed with my ex-husband. Then he sends another one, basically saying the same thing and how great he is. Okay. Then another one about some more crap about himself. Okay. Then he sends his email address to me and says for me to email him (since I am not a paying member I cannot send out emails, only receive them). Okay. My fault here that I did not send him something telling him to leave me alone and I am not interested. This was while I was sorta "wacky" and not able to function normally let alone extend niceties to strangers. He next reply is something about my "sexy" tattoo (didn't know you could see it in any of the pics I have up there which kinda creeps me out) and he wonders if I have anymore anywhere else. Okay. The next one is something about again how I need to email him and he is looking forward to my message, then he says here's my number I am waiting for your call. WHAT?. No response from me. *Then* his final message today was where he finally got the hint and said that he will leave me alone, but he finished that off with telling me I am missing out on a great opportunity. Whoa. I know I shouldn't let this get to me but it irks the HELL out of me when someone tells me how I am lucky to be with them, or they are an opportunity for me. Excuse the frik out of me, but NO. You aren't doing me any favors by "allowing" me to talk to you. Screw that. Dang it makes me so frikin' mad when guys get so high up on their horse and think they are God's gift to women. Again, if I wanted that I would have stayed with my ex-husband.
I've known that a lot of people are screwed up and not good people in general. But this... has exceeded my expectations of the amount of "stupidness" I would encounter. Srsly. I'm really put off by even bothering to try to encounter anyone that is "good" or remotely what I am looking for. I am going to go back to my original game plan of just keeping to myself and doing my thing and waiting for the universe to cross my path with someone who is what I am looking for. Because the whole bar thing is *out* of the question, school hasn't panned out, I don't meet anyone when M and I go to Kroger at 2am on a Friday night looking for chocolate after we stayed in and huddled on the couch watching a scary movie (in case you can't tell, she's my best friend), and then internet crap was actually worse than I thought it would be. So... Mr. Universe, please throw someone nice my way :)
I'm at a loss for how some people can be so dumb. Or think so highly of themselves (especially when they aren't terribly attractive) and then there are the ones that are attractive but know it so they are obnoxious to be around then there are the sloppy people which don't interest me at all and then there are the players who I don't trust and I group a lot of people in this category, then there are the ones that cling, the ones that don't know what they want, those that *think* they know what they want but are really more into the *idea* of a person rather than the person themselves, then there are others which just don't get my humor, some that just aren't funny, some that are too pent up and frigid, some that aren't good in bed (yes, that is a requirement I have), some that are too ignorant to understand/be oaky with my bipolar thing (which is A LOT of people) and in general not that many people "get" me and I like them. I'm cranky, and just really turned off to the public right now. I don't want to have anything to do with them at this point.
I am so glad I have my baby girl (dog). She is so fun to be around, can always make me smile, loves to snuggle with me, and she is sooo happy (and spins in circles) when she sees me. I love her so much. She's a doll with a great personality. And I feel lucky to have her. I like being around her rather than most people. Hell even my mom gets on my nerves hahaha and I prefer my dog!!! I'll post a pic of her in a minute. She's my precious!!!!
Wow.. this was a ranting style post, kudos to you if you read all the way through it!!! :) I know I have some mild issues with people in general, I'm scared and skeptical. But things in my life have made me that way for a reason because of lessons I have learned. I am not shutting good people out, nor do I hold a "hopeless" perspective. I know good people are out there. I know there is a good person out there for me. And I know I should give people a shot, but there are a few things in the way:
1) I will not make the first move. I'm scared to death of rejection. I have a crappy/ouchie history with that and rejection kills me.
2) if he comes on too strong, I will run the other direction because I don't need crazy clingers.
3) If he doesn't make a move, then I will not ever say anything and then nothing will ever come of it.
4) If he is "normal" and secure with himself and approaches in a non-creepy sincere I'm-interested kinda of way and it's someone that *I* am interested in too, then my assumption is going to be that he is a player and I will run the other way. Yeah, I know that doesn't make any sense and its totally backwards, but here's my twisted logic:
I know, I am a little tweaked. And I have ranted for a really long time and need to get back to the homework and study...