JOURNAL: rage manic dysphoric pissed the frik off and generally don't want to be awake right now while I feel this way.
Posted Feb 10 2009 11:29am
border-width:0px;border-color:C8BBBE;border-style:none;"> I guess the title should have explained this well enough and if not well I don't care. I'm doing this on my damn cell phone since the dsl isn't up or whatever but I'm doing a bit better now I took 2mg ativan and I basically don't know what the fuck to do with myself right now so hopefully I'll pass out and sleep but oh wait that's right, I have my frkn school to do. 2 novels to read. 2 exams to study for so passing out is bad but if ibstay awake weae to god it won't be good so I'll half pass out and just be doped but I want to bang and hit on my body to slow the insides down I want to crush my body holding it down and pressing and punching I swear I need all of my nerves stimulated or something dumb and stupid or cut and play with ny little fatty bits that's always fun to do as well and I enjoy that tooa and I think I should also start lithium but I'm too fkn pissed to do shit right now and all Li will do is fkn make me a ZOMBIE and then I can't do schoool and my jaw is clenched and I wanr to rip something apart and fucking tear it with my teth and rip with my fingers this evil piece of shit thing inside of me and my body is too tired for me to do the shiti need to and yet my brain is in FRKN OVERDRIVE. and let's all be honest here when I feel such a way which I cannot describe and I cannot sit still and I wouldd like to disappear. take a coma break for a while but mom and sister love me so I won't. and silly J said something to meast night and it was almost a joking sort of way but it was his way where I can actually feel how much he cares and it made me smile but the thing is I know he is a big boy and will be fine without me but mom and sister wouldn't so here I am and since I am here and am going to be here for a while I am going to do this fkn school BS and then I am going to do it well and so I have to frkn do it well so I need to take more ativan and then study but frk I'm comijg unglued
border-width:0px;border-color:C8BBBE;border-style:none;">
I guess the title should have explained this well enough and if not well I don't care. I'm doing this on my damn cell phone since the dsl isn't up or whatever but I'm doing a bit better now I took 2mg ativan and I basically don't know what the fuck to do with myself right now so hopefully I'll pass out and sleep but oh wait that's right, I have my frkn school to do. 2 novels to read. 2 exams to study for so passing out is bad but if ibstay awake weae to god it won't be good so I'll half pass out and just be doped but I want to bang and hit on my body to slow the insides down I want to crush my body holding it down and pressing and punching I swear I need all of my nerves stimulated or something dumb and stupid or cut and play with ny little fatty bits that's always fun to do as well and I enjoy that tooa and I think I should also start lithium but I'm too fkn pissed to do shit right now and all Li will do is fkn make me a ZOMBIE and then I can't do schoool and my jaw is clenched and I wanr to rip something apart and fucking tear it with my teth and rip with my fingers this evil piece of shit thing inside of me and my body is too tired for me to do the shiti need to and yet my brain is in FRKN OVERDRIVE. and let's all be honest here when I feel such a way which I cannot describe and I cannot sit still and I wouldd like to disappear. take a coma break for a while but mom and sister love me so I won't. and silly J said something to meast night and it was almost a joking sort of way but it was his way where I can actually feel how much he cares and it made me smile but the thing is I know he is a big boy and will be fine without me but mom and sister wouldn't so here I am and since I am here and am going to be here for a while I am going to do this fkn school BS and then I am going to do it well and so I have to frkn do it well so I need to take more ativan and then study but frk I'm comijg unglued