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JOURNAL: no meds, manic, and sick = yuckie!!

Posted Mar 30 2009 3:51pm

i've had this issue with fatigue for a couple months, unusual fatigue it has felt like. plus some very mild blood in stool and disrupted bowel habits (constant diarrhea). the doc gave met the whole, "it's your psych meds making you so tired" speech. i got pissed and said f-this, then i will go off the meds to see if the symptoms persist. i taped off, and viola, still nasty feeling. well that got the doctor's attention and now they are doing the blood and stool tests and sending me to to GI specialist on April 6th. at first it was weird tapering off, i don't think my brain knew quite what the hell was going on. and it was okay sorta, as stuff left my system i managed to hang on and generally function normally. there were some few issues but overall i have done a kick ass job. granted i did self medicate with vicodin and/or oxycodone here and there (not addicted, i just abuse there rx drugs, i think there is another post about this and defending the fact i'm not addicted, bc i am not, physically nor psychologically, and i don't like when people judge or make assumptions bc i don't like that kind of stupidity), but overall i did well. thing is... the past week or so it's been getting a little more whajgnadfhauyriuefjkndjfadfg. hahaha really, the whole quick temper, being pissed, wanting to kill someone and letting them know this at the drop of a hat sorta thing. the inhibition, saying shit loudly and without ANY thought whatsoever, wild ideas, the general freaking out in the brain and blender of thoughts and other stuff and not wanting to concentrate AT ALL. i've been okay with it mostly. sure the random ass crying attacks irritate me, i hate when there is depression without anything to be depressed about. that is just DUMB. oh well.

anyhow, my point i was trying to get to, was that right now, well this evening (note it is 5:10AM EST) and the fact i have not slept without and caffeine being used to keep my ass up and the fact that i *did* take oxy for the hoped of it helping me to sleep, i have come to the realization that my old friend Mr. Mania is back. see, there is this trademark feeling of it, when you are fresh past being hypomanic, and you are legit manic. it's almost kinda fun, there isn't any other sort of rush like it. and when i am sleepy, i feel it is time to sleep and i put myself to bed finally at 1:30, but then i sit there in bed and my mind is lit up light a damn Christmas tree and sleep is SOOO not going to happen. i did that for three hours and then i woke up again and did the PB sammich thing and lemonade and then have been looking shit up on YouTube. most of it has been videos of English and Western riding. i'm watching (and hopefully suing my motor neurons haha) videos of the different gaits with each style and noting the differences in riding techniques. i usually ride western and go on trail rides with my friends, and i have recently decided to try polo at my university. well........ there is a BIG ASS difference between the polo and the western business. hell i go to polo practice (which uses English tack) and try to ride like i do western, and that just doesn't work out. i refrain from smacking the bitch polo gal from telling me that English riders are better than Western blah blah blah. she's a rich prissy bitch and i am trying to be a good girl and play nice. mostly, the only reason i am playing nice is because i want her dumb ass to teach me this polo business (despite being a dip shit as a person, she is good with the polo thing). i'm kinda twisted in that way, i plan things in my mind, i am a little bit calculating in some areas. for example, before making any comment to her that is sarcastic or smart ass (about anything she may take personally), i use my lovely intuition and weigh the pleasure i will get from saying it versus the amount of offended she will be. i may be an ass, but i am a smart ass. crap, that didn't come out how i wanted it... haha oh well!!

shoot... i was saying something before the tangent about horses. well, whatever it was, horses are much more fun to discuss. i love them. i always have. nothing is better than riding. especially if the horse is good. okay, now i am getting tired of typing and want to do something else. as is stands i am already doing three other browser windows and texting on my cell phone. hmmmmm.

the oxy i took is starting to make me sleepy. thank god. i need to "sleep". but, even though i can feel my eye balls getting heavy, my little brain is kinda pretty much wired!! but i do like being high from the drugs. it makes me smile.

i am getting back on the crazy meds, waiting on refills from the moronic doctor. should be in the next couple of days.

i hate being sick all of the time like this. one day i shit 11 times. that is just silly. it's unnecessary. and annoying.

my back hurts from sitting in this dumb chair. there was so much i was going to write, and now i have forgotten it all. that is dumb. i feel dumb. hahaha oh well!!! poop happens. i think i will write a post, or a tangent, about relationships and love and the dumb-ness that is so many people. it's not that i don't believe in love or have recently been burned and am going to bitch about how all men are slime or something idiotic like that, but it is more about my philosophy. and the fact most people are retarded. and then the tangent will move into how not just romantic relationships, but even with friendships, people are retarded. and then i will finish it up talking about one of the best movie quotes of all time from When Harry Met Sally, and how men and women can't be friends because the sex always gets in the way.

oh!!! that's right. the other thing i was going to mention about being a wee bit on the manic side was that when i am, i get TERRIBLY philosophic and can launch into deep ass thought over absolutely nothing. or just a dumb song. or something extremely little i turn into a big thinker. it's kinda funny. and annoying. oh well.

oh and i think i will add a post along the lines of why i don't like most people in general, and that there are only a few people i know who think strictly like i do, and who understand what goes on in my brain and who "get" the seemingly cold-hearted-ness and coldness that can be interpreted as i. which i'm not really any of those things. i am rational and aware of life and i am not delusional and swept away by what i see in the movies or a romance novel and i don't buy in to the commercialized crap of what love "should" be with big diamonds and chocolates. i'm not a floofly "girl" girl who is clingy, gets swept up in the drama and the ideas of love, etc etc etc.

okay, and now i have rambled on and on and on and haven't made a lick of sense. awesome. i'm going to do homework until the oxy knocks me out. i think i will write more tomorrow thought.

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