The past few days are getting pretty rough again. I'm getting to that point where the control... is... not... as... much with me. I'm getting a little closer and closer to that icky place where I don't have any control and have gone mad. Momma has seen that before. It's not a very good thing. Earlier today the receptionist at the registrar's office at the university wouldn't help me get the advising hold off of my account and dismissed me and then tried to blame me at which point I said something nasty and told her to shut up and I left. I walked around campus on my cell phone shouting and cursing like a sailor around other students and I didn't give a shit. I'm sure I looked like a friggin ass. I couldn't stop myself.
I hate when I feel like I am losing my grip on my behavior. It worries me. In truth, I am a very socially obedient person. I will stand up for myself if need be, but otherwise I am careful to follow the norms of public interaction and behavior. Shouting, cursing and rudeness are things that *mortify* me.
I am aware I need a larger does of *something* for mood stabilization. I see the dumb psych doc on Tuesday. I think I'll have to explain to her that since my Lithium levels are NOT in the therapeutic range, we should *increase* the dose so perhaps this weight gaining (10 lbs so far baby) med can do some good for my wildness. Because I am becoming unhinged. And that is not good.
It's sad to know that most people do not really know me. They may know some of me and fill in the blanks with the symptomatic parts of me there are... and that is sad. Not many people... well... honestly, there are two people outside of my family that know *all* sides of me.
Wish me luck with the idiot doc. I hope I don't end up being to "expressive" with my emotions while I am there...
The past few days are getting pretty rough again. I'm getting to that point where the control... is... not... as... much with me. I'm getting a little closer and closer to that icky place where I don't have any control and have gone mad. Momma has seen that before. It's not a very good thing. Earlier today the receptionist at the registrar's office at the university wouldn't help me get the advising hold off of my account and dismissed me and then tried to blame me at which point I said something nasty and told her to shut up and I left. I walked around campus on my cell phone shouting and cursing like a sailor around other students and I didn't give a shit. I'm sure I looked like a friggin ass. I couldn't stop myself.
I hate when I feel like I am losing my grip on my behavior. It worries me. In truth, I am a very socially obedient person. I will stand up for myself if need be, but otherwise I am careful to follow the norms of public interaction and behavior. Shouting, cursing and rudeness are things that *mortify* me.
I am aware I need a larger does of *something* for mood stabilization. I see the dumb psych doc on Tuesday. I think I'll have to explain to her that since my Lithium levels are NOT in the therapeutic range, we should *increase* the dose so perhaps this weight gaining (10 lbs so far baby) med can do some good for my wildness. Because I am becoming unhinged. And that is not good.
It's sad to know that most people do not really know me. They may know some of me and fill in the blanks with the symptomatic parts of me there are... and that is sad. Not many people... well... honestly, there are two people outside of my family that know *all* sides of me.
Wish me luck with the idiot doc. I hope I don't end up being to "expressive" with my emotions while I am there...