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JOURNAL: Mr. Lithium and I

Posted Nov 10 2008 4:52pm

Mr Lithium... he's an ass. I thoughts he was fine or whatever, but since the dose has been moved from 600-900mg, I believe he is an ass. The delicate balance of staying hydrated enough to not feel like throwing up my guts everywhere and not having too much water to where too much Li is flushed out of my system is a tough one. If I wasn't so damn preoccupied with school and the shit I need to do with that (getting an honor thesis plan set up is the next big hurdle) then I would have more time to drink water on a schedule and blah blah blah all of that crap. But I don't. So I have to deal with sudden bouts of severe nausea in the middle of the afternoon when I have class. I spent most of the afternoon on my sister's bed (she lives close to campus thankfully) curled up while she kept bringing me water. Thank goodness one of my classes was cancelled because I doubt i could have made it there.

My Li is also killing my excitement buzz and making my fatigued and drowsy. That is not good for the study tim either. And it's a bummer to not be able to have that super fun high buzz. In fact, towards the late afternoon when his fatigue effects are really bothering me and affecting my ability and motivation to be in class... I get down right PISSED OFF. Which leads to being depressed, sad, and wanting to cry.

I have not lost who I am. I can see the difference between bipolar and those effects and the true *me*. I know who me is, and I think that may be part of the reason I get so pissed off at the side effects of meds or the unpleasant symptoms of the disorder... because I know that isn't ME. In fact, I still have "me", she sits up in my brain, in the back sorta by the occipital lobe of the right hemisphere. And she watches. And gets frikin' infuriated when she cannot express herself and is smothered by the side effects of Mr. Li or lost in the whirlwind of mania. I supposed it is a subclinical form of depersonalization... I have periods of feeling detached from my body, as though I am on the outside looking in and something else is controlling me. It sucks.

I GET MAD. For me, anger, coupled with a feeling of being trapped, rapidly turns into sadness and tears or frustration and desperation. What little control the "me" does have is poured into the efforts of finishing school, rocking an honors thesis, generally kicking ass and graduating summa cum laude. And the more people that tell me I cannot do this... the harder I try.

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