well... i went "out" and i dressed somewhat attractive in my own style, i still had the jeans and the boots on, but the jeans did nice things to my rear, and i had a fitted white v-neck on, necklace, hair pulled up, makeup done, i looked pretty. i went out with my sister and we had a good time and everything mostly until the end when she was drunkkkkkkk and i felt stupid bc i hadn't "watched" her like i should have, then she was in the restroom and leaning into the sink saying how she wants to die and stuff. awesome. that set off dormant guilt i had inside of myself for what happened to her 2 years ago and i went slightly off the deep end and busted my hand up from punching things. oops.
but, that is not the main point of the title of this post. there was a group of 4 dudes, one of which was actually good looking. now, my normal frame of thought is "all good looking guys out at a bar like setting are douche bags" (it was a country concert down at 4th street which is an area with bars and the like all along a block of "4th Street"). i had abandoned this train of thought momentarily (i blame the LITs) and when he made eye contact i eye contacted back and such as i should, eventually he came over, we started chatting, he seemed nice, i ended up being so drunk because i didn't eat anything other than a PB sammich in the morning, and when i got the idea through my head that he *was* in fact a douche bag as my theory stated he would be and that he only wanted to get into my britches i informed him this was NOT going to happen and then :::poof::: like magic the douche bag disappeared. i am not shocked by this turn of events.
what sucks is that this is an ongoing theme in my life with the men in my life. they hang around wanting me, and once it is somehow seared into their brains that it ain't gonna happen, they vanish. wow what good "friends" i have. it's stupid.
i am an odd person and i can hold two opposing ideas in my head at once and still function just fine, but at times like this it makes me ponder because in my mind yes i realize that people are shitty and always out for number one. but still, i have this overwhelming desire to make that not so and to find someone who isn't like that. i don't see any hope in finding such a thing, and yet at the same time i do. it's terribly hard to explain. i must sound like a crazy person!
even before i proved my guys are sex hound jerks theory last night, i haven't had much desire to date. i am so particular and i don't just start liking people easily. it's hard for me to like someone, i mean really like them. i can brain wash myself and talk myself into liking someone. just as ai did with dude at bar, i said "well he could be not a jerk face, give it a shot" and then pow, he was a jerk face. but i have done that, the talking myself into liking someone thing. then it kicks me in the ass and i get angry with me for thinking for two seconds that so-and-so might not be a tool. i can look at someone, and within 30 seconds of conversation tell right off if they are right for me or not. and usually, they are not. wait... yeah, they just are not a right fit.
i'm not in a huge hurry to settle down and get married because i don't like being alone. i'm okay with the alone thing. it suits me well actually and gives me much more time for my studies and things. and there is a particular actual best friend/ex that i have in which all of my romantic feelings lay. it's a wee bit complicated with that whole situation and i have been hanging on so long that i've made it my commitment to myself that i will call him by the end of the weekend and tell him how i feel. i mean, really tell him, with words and stuff and without making jokes or things like i tend to do because i'm a giant chicken and scared to death to be open and vulnerable. i don't know how the conversation will go. i am glad to be getting it all off of my chest though. i left him a vouce message asking for a call back. let's hope he does call. the thing is, he has knee surgery tomorrow on both knees... so crap. the timing is horrible as he gets down and depressed when his body fails him and he can't be active, but either you know how you feel and you want to be with me in the future or you don't. it's quite simple really. and i need to put this wondering and waiting and other crap behind me. ever since i left him in Idaho and moved back home, i have missed him. every day i have thought about him. for my own emotional growth the move back home was right for me. and i wouldn't change it. but damn if i can't stand not being with him anymore. it has been what, 2 and a half years since i left. i've seen him a few times and such. we've both dated others and broken up with them. he said that if he were to date anyone, there is only one person he would want to date because nobody else can compare to them (speaking of my obviosuly). so i should be hopefull but i am afraid that i am too scared to allow myself to be hopeful because imagining things working out with he and i is something that my heart wants so badly; it's something i have seen in my future for a long time and imagining it not happening is a very sad thing for me. but, if it doens't happen, i will not dwell and be an insane wreck. there isn't any point in that. for a couple of reasons. one, it's not for me to tell him who he should and shouldn't be with. if i am not right for him, that's okay, as long as he is honest i cannot be mad or upset with him. two, if it doesn't work out, then that means it wasn't meant to be, which means that although i find it hard to fathom, something better will happen in the future that is more right for me. so why get mad at the universe for something happening? i'll accept it and move on as best as i can with a smile and a hopeful heart. i'm not saying i won't be sad, by all means you can bet your bottom dollar that i will be sad and incredibly disappointed and lonely and everything else, but i'll be okay. i won't crumble up and die, ya know?
i'm pleased i can look at it in such a healthy way. it's relaxing and refreshing, you know?
i haven't studied for the GRE at all this weekend. i'm giving myself a break and allowing myself to recouperate, and also i have taken naproxen for my banged up hand and that stuff makes me sooooo sleepy and everything. yuckers!!!
i'm also trying to find some more vintage shirts online to buy. i love vintage clothes. they rock my socks!! i wear them with jeans. and flipflops or my western boots. it's my thing. my weird quirky style that i have :) i like being me you know. and i like that i like being me. it's such a happy place to be when you like yourself, you know? i mean sure, i'm more than a little screwed up and i can't tell someone that i love him and i have the bipolar thing, self inflicted scars all over my body, and i can be a mean ass alpha female and my confidence can come across cocky in some situations (however i only argue when i know i am right, and i am only confident when i know i am right, and it's not my fault other people can't handle the fact i kick ass) but all in all i like me and i like what i am doing. i am smart as a whip, studying for the GRE, have a great GPA (although not perfect), and emotionally adn mentally i have my shit together a hell of a lot more than most other people, despite the fact i have the bipolar thing. to be honest, i think the bipolar thing has actually helped me with my emotional development. i'm not sure i can explain exactly, but the crap i have gone through with it has been a good thing, in the end. which is just another ilustration that in my life all crappy/sad/bad/painful things have a good reason for occuring and a good outcome that makes it worth it in the end. and even if the guy doesn't want to get back together with me ever, you know, i know i will be just fine. i believe so deeply and so firmly that it will all work out best for me even if i may not understand it now. i am not sure how i have so much faith in the universe and how i can remain so positive about things and life in the face of such a shitty world, but i can, and i am thankful for that.