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JOURNAL: Long time, no write. Back to Manic-mish-ness

Posted Jan 22 2009 5:14pm

Hi today is a manic day of all things and its kinda interesting bc I am sitting in my chair at school in my little class here and I have one browser window open for the internet so I can send emails and say hello to peoples and then I also have one doc open for the notes I am taking in class and then one that I am writing this blog entry in and then one I am writing a little bit about my opinion on bra burning feminists and the stupid gender studies class I am in and why some of the arguments they make are totally scientifically unfounded (i.e. blaming behavior completely on environment, saying women are docile nurturers because that is how man has forced them to be and because that is how they are portrayed in the media and so that is how they learn to grow up) but I have too much of the scientific mindedness and some smarts about me and there are some inherent flaws in al of their arguments and it kinda makes me want to smack some of them especially the professor who I saw in her office hours day before yesterday to talk about this paper my “group” (they suck so I am taking the lead of this thingy bc I rock and I like to have really good grades and keep my 4.0 because I want to go to a good grad school and that sort of thing) so I told the prof what my opinion was about the book Little Women and why it wasn’t a TERRIBLE injustice that the protagonist of the story, Jo ended up getting married to a man she loved etc and she just couldn’t see how I thought it was okay for a character to marry someone she loves even though when she was a teenager she said she didn’t want to marry and wanted to be free but she married a poor man had him move into her estate and they together opened up a school for boys which is pretty independent and she said how happy she was so how is that not being true to yourself? It’s so stupid and I’m kinda pissed off about that so I have that window open where I am writing a short little blurb that I may add to my facebook profile or something or whatever because I am so overwhelmingly blahdeeeblah right now…. Ahhhhhhggggggghhhhh. Yesterday totally sucked because I was in the evil ass manic where I am totally irritable and out of control and “me” sits in the back of my head and says oh my god what the hell… and I fly off the handle and act like an idiot to other drivers or the the window helping people or talk to the lowe’s employee in the store and then get so excited about things that customers used to say to me I start jumping up and down like a little kid and it seems so right when I do it an when I look back I kinda think well maybe I shouldn’t have done that shit fire… but then its too late and oh well I guess and I talk too loudly and too much and too fast to people and when I’m at home with mom I get too excited and wound up and dramatic and just whoooooosh theres a whole lot of me and she tries to tell me to calm down but then I get super pissed off because for frisk sake I try to not be an ass or an idiot but for the love of god I am unable to hold it all in and then if I do try to hold it in I end up exploding and that is just a lot worse. The worst part of this stupid thing is that I can FEEL it inside of me, I can feel my entire insides running faster and it feels like the inside of me is buzzing and vibrating with energy and that there is static in my head and nothing is linear anymore my thought is not proper and siderackedness and just dumb stuff and I have no appetite and I have no patience and I cannot focus or soncertrate which is a problem with school duh and I forgot an exam today and I don’t like doing anything and I can get set off so firkin fast like a crazy person and I am super irritable and then I also go to extremes with things and I am trying to rein that in right now actually because if something upsets me or if there is a thingy on my mind (I have such an issue right now, it involves someone else and I don’t feel like going in to it any further than that, except I suppose to say that he’s absolutely my best friend, I left him out in Idaho, and I miss him so damn much I can’t even think straight sometimes. Normally I can manage the missing stuff just fine and whatever but when I get into such an extreme state like I am in right now I have this huge urge to tell him I am never going to talk to him again because I cant stand the whole talking to him or emailing and stuff and not being able to b near him and live with him again and then I start resenting school because it has me out here and I want to be back out west so badly I miss the mountains and some of my other friends out there and I miss the trees and the lifestyle I had when I was out there too it’s not just him that I miss I miss the life I had and I want it back and not having it drives me kinda crazy but normally I am okay with it but then I get all wound up and I want to do something about it so right now I want to tell him I am never going to talk to him anymore so I can forget him and already yesterday I took everything that reminded me of him and put it in a box and put it away in my closet with my other boxes because I just can’t bear looking at it or seeing anything that reminds me of him and then when I go around, hell even when driving down a stretch of interstate here by the airport reminds me of a very similar setting by the Boise airport and I had driven by that every day on my way to school at BSU and it brings that back to me and the feeling and I want to go back there so badly to that but I cannot and then it hurts… and I cannot just go around another way to get to school in the morning out here because… well… that’s the only way to get there. So I am unable to avoid it. Yesterday I ran into some people that we used to work with when we both lived out here and they ask about him and seeing them makes me think of the work experiences and stuff from years ago and I miss it so much and it causes me pain and when I am stable I can do this just fine and let it go and relax and accept that I cannot change the situation and simply be satisfied with what I had back then and what I have now but when I am kinda off and stuff like I am now then it’s harder to do that and I get all extremeist and stuff with everything and push it all to the edge so I am trying to remain chilllllllll and not do something stupid so in this case my option is to do nothing at all and see how that works for me okay well now I need to pretend to pay attention in this class and other stuff like that which should be productive and stuff

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