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JOURNAL: I'm a nutter-butter

Posted Sep 04 2009 10:20pm
I can extremely tell when I am being a nutter-butter, and it's always in ways that other people never notice because I keep my mouth shut about those thoughts/ideas.

an older example, I went to a Joe Nichols concert a couple years ago with my younger sister. I was convinced that once Joe saw me, he would want to date and marry me. so when standing in the crowd I found a ground light thing and stood by it, the light was my "illumination" so he would see me. I was dead convinced that he was going to have someone come find me after the concert so he could meet me. I actually told my sister part of this... and she thought I was nuts so I made it out like I was kidding, but inside I was still convinced it would happen because I am awesome. after the concert, we left and drove away, and I was so sad and disappointed that he didn't want to see me. I was seriously stunned it didn't happen.

I've done this before with other people of some fame and/or significance. I've done it a lot where I am convinced they will fall in love with me. oh lord I sound like an idiot. I suppose this is my manifestation of "grandiose delusions" and such. I also do it with people I may meet or see just once, I truly believe they will track me down because the sight of me had them help in rapture.

and most of the time I don't think I'm all that attractive. although lately, I have been getting "wound up" and thinking I'm really pretty and that everyone should want me (everyone is only including the people I want in return, I don't like when creepy people like me). so tonight I was watching the preseason game of Raiders v Seahawks on the DVR and started thinking about Janikowski and how he is an awesome kicker, and then I googled his ass, saw pics, decided he would fall for me if given the chance, tried to find out if he was married, and then began to think of a way to write to him without sounding like a nutty stalker and show him my awesomeness and stuff... thankfully I can't concentrate so that didn't happen. I think I'll settle for finding a #11 jersey and fitting it to fit my girly shape (and not hang flat like then men style is) and then taking a picture and sending it to him. not a bad idea... right? and if not, then someone will see me in the jersey and see how cute I am in it and that I actually do love the Raiders and then that might give them an idea of how awesome I am...

and then I smack mysef, the "rational" me is over in the corner saying this is stupid and wrong and putting me down and afraid of rejection so I won't end up doing this and the sillier part of me is sad and disappointed by missing out on what "could have been" if I had taken the chance... but despite how certian I am that the plot to get Sebastain to want me would work... the "rational" side is so terrified of rejection that it won't allow me to go through my plans so I'll end up obsessing for a week about it and then moving on feeling unwanted and wounded.

and my "rational" side can see that the silly side is being ridiculous in feeling sad and gives the appropriate cognitive therapy to fix the screwy thought patterns in the silly's mind...

so it's like I am two people in one sorta, but not like with DID. not at all like that. I'm just.... weird. although maybe more people feel this way too? having two distinct selves that fight and argue for control??

well, anyhoo, I took the ativan and it helped to kill that electricity. but now I'm sorta tired and feeling motivated to get shit done for school................ but I also want more ativan and to sleep but I don't want to sleep because my deams are EVIL and I want to be productive. Grrr. I'm confusing myself now.


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