Internet Explorer is stupid and wouldn't allow me to log back into the blogger thingy and I got pissed. Turns out the newer version of the IE 8.0 or whatever doesn't work right. Whatever. I have FF now (thank you M for the suggestion the other day).
In the mean time as I was going ever so slightly bonkers I typed a novel in a Word... I'll cut and paste now... and in general, I may post something long and excessive and too drawn out, once I am feeling better I will then go back and edit to shorten it to the relevant points only :)
"I am still sitting here in front of my psych book, having not read or taken notes from more than 10 pages… all day long. That’s actually as much work as I have completed this ENTIRE weekend. So I am sequestering myself in my room this upcoming weekend. I have to get caught up because if I don’t… well, that just isn’t an option. I must excel. Period. Please don’t say anything encouraging about how I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, because it’s not that easy to fix. The closest thing I can compare it to is being OCD. That’s not quite right; it’s more of an impulsive thing which is heightened when my stability is not at its best. What frustrates me the most is while I am compulsive about studying and taking care of my grades, I still have not been able to do jack towards studying today.
So I can force myself to sit here and have my book open and highlighter in hand… but I cannot bring my stinkin’ brain to look at the pages, pay attention, and retain the information. I want to more than anything. And I cannot. I wish I could explain it. Instead I sit here and dabble around on the internet, give myself a manicure, wax my face, pluck hairs, play with my hair, make a blog, get pissed at the blog bc I cannot log in, fidget, surf the web and not recall a damn thing I learned about, spend the better half of the morning looking for hair styles on the internet, log into FB or MS a hundred times even when I don’t have new messages, I really don’t know half of the crap I did with my entire day. It’s been wasted. And that pissed me off. It makes me more stressed out too. Too bad for me that stress is a trigger for the wackadoodlesness to increase. It’s a stupid cycle. And then I get pissed more bc Mom tries to tell me stuff to help, she thinks I can just sit down and focus if I really wanted to… BUT I CAN’T. and I am frustrated to there really isn’t anyone who can understand totally what I am saying here or what I am feeling. The lack of understanding pisses me off to no end. Why is this shit here? Why will it not go away? For Pete’s sake I am trying to do well in school and this crap is interfering...
This may not make any sense here… but try to follow along. So, I have mentioned how I cannot sit still or focus or anything (my God it’s taking a lot to sit here and type but this is sorta different bc I am typing so fast (haha I can do it without looking at the keyboard) and its all that is in my head and it is therapeutic to just go *splat* and land it all on a piece of digital paper. If I were to try to write a letter to someone, frik no. I already tried to write one and didn’t get but 4 words down and then said “screw this”). Right… where was I? So, I cannot sit still because I am over firing yet it took me a few hours to go down to the truck to get my duffel bag. Why? I don’t know. Sorry, no answer for ya. I have a hypothesis though, and that is that when it gets all wound up like this I know that I need to keep my stimulation down as much as possible because I know that the threshold for tolerance is very low right now and I do not want to cause it to explode into the land of things uncontrollable where I go crazy as bat shit. We don’t need that. Not hanks, not today so my way of compensating for this is to do every slow in a very quick manner. Right. You caught that, yeah???
I know, I know, life isn’t fair. But shit… I am getting so damn tired of putting up with this crap. I am so tired of waking up each day and being “on-point” and focused on myself to make sure I stay in line and follow socially accepted standards for behavior and try to accomplish the things I know I must do (such as school work) and not do the other random things that my mind is screaming at me to do… it is difficult to keep yourself separated into two different people, the person who “is” and does stuff and the person who “watches” and monitors to make sure I don’t follow any of my stupid impulses that the Watcher knows will get me into trouble. So instead of doing anything wacky, I sit here at the lap top, trying like hell to study and FAIL-ing that task, while my “is” self runs around in my head knocking over lamps and breaking shit as she tries to climb out of my skull and be free to be as expressive and whimsical as she wants to be and the “watcher” chases after her to make sure she doesn’t...
Sometimes… I wish I didn’t have the self control and could express myself however I wanted to. It would be so much easier and I would be so much freer… that won’t happen though… no matter what; I fight to keep myself in line. I can’t let myself take a day off. I just can’t. I have this stupid desire to please people and do as I should, which is constantly at war with the “is” version of me. I GET TIRED OF THE DUALITY.
And I don’t know how long this blog shit will last. Thing is, I like to puke everything up every now and then, share it with people, then delete it all because I realize I was being stupid for posting it anywhere in the first place. I’ll try not to do that again… I think. I really have no clue. It’s whatever.
Grrrrr. And not back to pretending to study. Damn I hope I do well on the quiz tomorrow.
In the mean time as I was going ever so slightly bonkers I typed a novel in a Word... I'll cut and paste now... and in general, I may post something long and excessive and too drawn out, once I am feeling better I will then go back and edit to shorten it to the relevant points only :)
"I am still sitting here in front of my psych book, having not read or taken notes from more than 10 pages… all day long. That’s actually as much work as I have completed this ENTIRE weekend. So I am sequestering myself in my room this upcoming weekend. I have to get caught up because if I don’t… well, that just isn’t an option. I must excel. Period. Please don’t say anything encouraging about how I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, because it’s not that easy to fix. The closest thing I can compare it to is being OCD. That’s not quite right; it’s more of an impulsive thing which is heightened when my stability is not at its best. What frustrates me the most is while I am compulsive about studying and taking care of my grades, I still have not been able to do jack towards studying today.
So I can force myself to sit here and have my book open and highlighter in hand… but I cannot bring my stinkin’ brain to look at the pages, pay attention, and retain the information. I want to more than anything. And I cannot. I wish I could explain it. Instead I sit here and dabble around on the internet, give myself a manicure, wax my face, pluck hairs, play with my hair, make a blog, get pissed at the blog bc I cannot log in, fidget, surf the web and not recall a damn thing I learned about, spend the better half of the morning looking for hair styles on the internet, log into FB or MS a hundred times even when I don’t have new messages, I really don’t know half of the crap I did with my entire day. It’s been wasted. And that pissed me off. It makes me more stressed out too. Too bad for me that stress is a trigger for the wackadoodlesness to increase. It’s a stupid cycle. And then I get pissed more bc Mom tries to tell me stuff to help, she thinks I can just sit down and focus if I really wanted to… BUT I CAN’T. and I am frustrated to there really isn’t anyone who can understand totally what I am saying here or what I am feeling. The lack of understanding pisses me off to no end. Why is this shit here? Why will it not go away? For Pete’s sake I am trying to do well in school and this crap is interfering...
This may not make any sense here… but try to follow along. So, I have mentioned how I cannot sit still or focus or anything (my God it’s taking a lot to sit here and type but this is sorta different bc I am typing so fast (haha I can do it without looking at the keyboard) and its all that is in my head and it is therapeutic to just go *splat* and land it all on a piece of digital paper. If I were to try to write a letter to someone, frik no. I already tried to write one and didn’t get but 4 words down and then said “screw this”). Right… where was I? So, I cannot sit still because I am over firing yet it took me a few hours to go down to the truck to get my duffel bag. Why? I don’t know. Sorry, no answer for ya. I have a hypothesis though, and that is that when it gets all wound up like this I know that I need to keep my stimulation down as much as possible because I know that the threshold for tolerance is very low right now and I do not want to cause it to explode into the land of things uncontrollable where I go crazy as bat shit. We don’t need that. Not hanks, not today so my way of compensating for this is to do every slow in a very quick manner. Right. You caught that, yeah???
I know, I know, life isn’t fair. But shit… I am getting so damn tired of putting up with this crap. I am so tired of waking up each day and being “on-point” and focused on myself to make sure I stay in line and follow socially accepted standards for behavior and try to accomplish the things I know I must do (such as school work) and not do the other random things that my mind is screaming at me to do… it is difficult to keep yourself separated into two different people, the person who “is” and does stuff and the person who “watches” and monitors to make sure I don’t follow any of my stupid impulses that the Watcher knows will get me into trouble. So instead of doing anything wacky, I sit here at the lap top, trying like hell to study and FAIL-ing that task, while my “is” self runs around in my head knocking over lamps and breaking shit as she tries to climb out of my skull and be free to be as expressive and whimsical as she wants to be and the “watcher” chases after her to make sure she doesn’t...
Sometimes… I wish I didn’t have the self control and could express myself however I wanted to. It would be so much easier and I would be so much freer… that won’t happen though… no matter what; I fight to keep myself in line. I can’t let myself take a day off. I just can’t. I have this stupid desire to please people and do as I should, which is constantly at war with the “is” version of me. I GET TIRED OF THE DUALITY.
And I don’t know how long this blog shit will last. Thing is, I like to puke everything up every now and then, share it with people, then delete it all because I realize I was being stupid for posting it anywhere in the first place. I’ll try not to do that again… I think. I really have no clue. It’s whatever.
Grrrrr. And not back to pretending to study. Damn I hope I do well on the quiz tomorrow.