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JOURNAL: I do not know what to title this post

Posted Mar 03 2009 3:10pm

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(please forgive the language i used in this post. i am in a raw emotional state and not feeling terribly PC)

i received the best comment today, where a reader let me know that he reads my blog often, and appreciates what i write and such and that gave me the biggest darn smile and i almost had a tear of joy just knowing that what i do on here in this elusive world of blogging and such is really read on a regular basis by some people. this really makes me smile. i haven't been writing much bc the internet on my laptop was messed up and the only browser i could get to open was IE, *but* it wouldn't allow me to open Blogger bc the "cookies" weren't enabled, even tho every darn cookie i could possibly enable was enabled. Norton Antivirus was messing everything up and a friend of mine was able to eventually help me fix it (once i gave up trying to fix it myself). in the mean time i had written some blogs on my laptop and saved them but now i cannot find where i saved them at so i cannot post them so it was really a waste of time which sucks but that's okay!

nothing much is new with me here... the crazy crap has been escalating and stuff but i'm doing well to control it and keep things going okay and stuff which is a good thing. i've gone riding once a week so far which i swear being in the country and being on horseback is a therapeutic thin for me. it helps me to relax sometimes. but... last time i went i still got a wired up and stuff which didn't work out well but i tried to cover it up as best as i could even though i was kinda flying apart on the inside. i am so tired of this crap in my head. i really am. for a minute i tried to go off meds again (and that was again a stupid idea) and i am now going back in to the Lamictal doses, and the Prozac as well is back to normal. i have stopped the lithium bc it makes me WAYYYY TOOOOO tired and then i can't do stuff for school and that is not acceptable. oh! i am also new to the polo team at my university. this makes me happy too. i'm too old to participate in the intercollegiate games, but i can go to practices and play in the exhibition games, which is good enough for me. who knew that 24 was too old!! i kinda laughed at that. and truth be told, the kids on the team are all younger than me and while i am not too terribly older than they are, still... the 3-5 years that separate us seem sooo large. maybe it's the different type of non-traditional life tha ti have led that adds to the difference. at any rate, i just don't feel like i terribly well fit in. but that is okay. its a nice escape from m usual thing. like a different reality or something like that. which is good. i can sorta of take a break from the usual stressors and things i have going on, so this way i can escape into a brief relieve from the normal crap i have to do and that pisses me off. and i LOVE horses. i always have. ever since i was a small little girl. so this is a good thing.

the stupid thing here is that i am still strung out and especially today i am on the brink of blowing up on someone and going nuts. i am very stressed and flipping out. i am now actually in class listening to a lecture and the reason i am writing this is bc i cannot sit still at this laptop and focus on the lecture i am supposed to type. hitting the return button to start a new line of notes or a new bullet items IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO DO and i want to stand up and chuck this fucking computer across the room and scream and yell "how dare you not make this more clear!!!" and then run out and just hit someone or something. can't FOCUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS and this is NOTTTTT GOOOOOOOOOD.

i want to scream. i don't know what i should do here in this situation. i need to be awake for class and i am stuck here until 4 pm which is another 4-5 hours from now and i am busy fro now until then. and i may have to give my sister a ride to our mom's house but she doesn't know bc she doesn't have her shit organized or figured out and i feel bad but when she needs me to pick up slack on her part it freaks me out and i want to fucking scream bc i have enough going on in my own damn head and so much crap that i need to get done for school/work/polo/horses/and just being a crazy person that i don't have time to screw around and take care of her. i just don't have it in me and yet i have to and i have to smile when i do it and that really sucks and makes me freak out even fucking more. which is just fucking lovely.

superb. i hate so many things right now. and i am trying to do so many different things but no matter what i try to sit down and do then i am screwed bc i have a hard time sitting down and doing it and just doing it and instead i bounce around and stuff and do whatever and nothing gets done and then i get pissed odd and angry like i am now and i am tired but not tired, just IRRITABLE AS HELL which is so unpleasant to feel i hate it i want to just make myself go to sleep and not be awake until this has passed. BUT i cannot do that bc i have to be AWAKE to study and write papers and get another 4.0 semester which bc i have morons for professors in two of my classes i am going to have to work my ASS off getting the goos grades and that sucks and pisses me off and i have to get the 4.0 again and i just have to and i am not dropping any classes oh and btw i am also going back to work wish me luck there. i'm even getting pissed writing this. my lower back hurts and i hate being in pain and my legs are full of electricity and wanting to stretch and kick and bounce around and my stomach is hungry but my ass has been growing so i don't want to eat and that pisses me off and i just don't have a damn clue what the hell i should do right now and then i just thought that i was going to somehow someday write a book about my personal experience with bipolar but i don't know if anyone would want to read it or publish it or anything like that and grad school is a thing weighing on my mind bc some of me doesn't even want to go bc i am so irritated with life and school now and i dont want anymore but then part of me wants to go get my PhD in neuroscience and then i kinda don't want to lock myself into a 5 year program and think i should go get my MS first in experiemental psych and then go for PhD next but i don't know and i am so confused and part of me wants to not do anyhing and part of me wants to do as much as i possibly can do and this stuffffffffffffffffffffffffff in my head and also the EWngl paper i have to write and everything else stupid in my head is running around and won't shut up so i am going to take some vicodin now to salm my ass down and i don't care if it makes me tired shit fire this is SOOO SHITTTTY of a situation and i don't think this is all that great and i hate that not many people can understand but that is okay, that is why i want to publish my stuff bc i am told i write it well and honest and true and people tell me how much they can relate to what i say and this makes me want to share this stupid crap with other people and let them know they aren't alone and then maybe their loved ones would read the book and be able to see sort of what it is kinda like in their relatives head so that they can understand a bit more. that is what i want, to help people understand and that's it. i doubt anything like that would get me much $$ so that means i am still stuck with going to school when and where and for what for grad school and i also want to work in this book thingy but ooops now that is too much for my brain to hold so no, i am going to not think about that for now.

okay, i took vicodin 10 with my chocolate milk. and its on an empty stomach so i shold be high soon and then hopefully this awful feeling in my bones of electricity will go away bc i cannnnnootooooootototototototot tolerate it and function and i have to function and dammit this is so stupid. i hate myself when i don't have patience or anything. I HATE THAT FEELING of sitting in the back of my skull watching me act like an ill tempered moron. i hate that. it's so stupid.



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