I had the depressed phase and that has passed. I have been mostly stoned on vicodin for over a week now, so I didn't realize the mania was coming back until it hit me last night that I hadn't really eaten in a few days. Duh. That's one of my symptoms. I'll be hungry and my tummy is growling for food but I don't want to waste the time putting anything In my mouth, I just don't want it. Ick. I've been pulling a lot of hair from my head, and my eyelashes too. Heck, I just yanked out six from the lower lid. I liked it. My mind has been all haywire too. Which is pretty annoying. I cannot focus on any one subject and this is proving to be hell for my last week of school. It's hard enough to be in college without having to try to weal with a frikin' disorder thing like this at the same time and I am a perfectionist so the 4.0 must stay this way and that makes it even harder but I don't know how to stop. I have so much work to do that I NEED to focus and I can't and that makes me just get more pissed off at myself for not being able to do what I know I need to do and then it is just a downward spiral from there and I am not in control and I hate it. So I have been getting high from the Rx, which is helping me to sleep (which is why I didn't realize the early signs of mania so I didn't start taking my lithium at the onset of the episode). Sleep is good. Sometimes.
I am pretty wound up. Everything in my head is firing all at once and I can barely see straight. Every sound pissed me off. I am about to slep the bitch sitting across from me at this cubicle because she is crunching on her ice in this big ass cup. It's so loud and obnoxious and we are in a study area in the library so you are supposed to be *quite*. So each time she starts crunching, I bang my fingers on the table so I can't hear her because I am about to flip the fuck out and rip her piece of shit face off. I am violently angry and I am pissed because I cannot control what I do and it is annoying to try to control and there is so much tension in my body right now from trying to keep my fucking head straight and this paper I have to write and I swear if this stupid fucking bitch kicks my foot under the table one more time I am going to stand up and tell her how fucking idiotic and annoying she is and that she had better leave me the fuck alone before I smack her stupid ass ugly face what a tool. Anyhow... I can see quite fucking clearly that I am a LITTLE bit "off" right now. I started out the day energetic and all fucking cheery and happy go lucky and whooopdeeedooooo and this and that sort of thing and euphoric and just so in love with everything about this particular day... and now I could kill a person, in fact, I want to kill a person, I want to kill this stupid looking idiot on the other side of this cubicle partition thingy. Yes. I want to beat her ass to a pulp. Then I want to yell and fucking scream and knock things over and break shit in this stupid ghetto ass library at this stupid college. So, as a solution I took more vicodin, I'll just get stoned some more. The thing is I can feel my heart thudding in my chest kinda slow like. I hope I don't take too much and put myself in respiratory distress. Shoot. I should look up the max dosage online.
I had the depressed phase and that has passed. I have been mostly stoned on vicodin for over a week now, so I didn't realize the mania was coming back until it hit me last night that I hadn't really eaten in a few days. Duh. That's one of my symptoms. I'll be hungry and my tummy is growling for food but I don't want to waste the time putting anything In my mouth, I just don't want it. Ick. I've been pulling a lot of hair from my head, and my eyelashes too. Heck, I just yanked out six from the lower lid. I liked it. My mind has been all haywire too. Which is pretty annoying. I cannot focus on any one subject and this is proving to be hell for my last week of school. It's hard enough to be in college without having to try to weal with a frikin' disorder thing like this at the same time and I am a perfectionist so the 4.0 must stay this way and that makes it even harder but I don't know how to stop. I have so much work to do that I NEED to focus and I can't and that makes me just get more pissed off at myself for not being able to do what I know I need to do and then it is just a downward spiral from there and I am not in control and I hate it. So I have been getting high from the Rx, which is helping me to sleep (which is why I didn't realize the early signs of mania so I didn't start taking my lithium at the onset of the episode). Sleep is good. Sometimes.
I am pretty wound up. Everything in my head is firing all at once and I can barely see straight. Every sound pissed me off. I am about to slep the bitch sitting across from me at this cubicle because she is crunching on her ice in this big ass cup. It's so loud and obnoxious and we are in a study area in the library so you are supposed to be *quite*. So each time she starts crunching, I bang my fingers on the table so I can't hear her because I am about to flip the fuck out and rip her piece of shit face off. I am violently angry and I am pissed because I cannot control what I do and it is annoying to try to control and there is so much tension in my body right now from trying to keep my fucking head straight and this paper I have to write and I swear if this stupid fucking bitch kicks my foot under the table one more time I am going to stand up and tell her how fucking idiotic and annoying she is and that she had better leave me the fuck alone before I smack her stupid ass ugly face what a tool. Anyhow... I can see quite fucking clearly that I am a LITTLE bit "off" right now. I started out the day energetic and all fucking cheery and happy go lucky and whooopdeeedooooo and this and that sort of thing and euphoric and just so in love with everything about this particular day... and now I could kill a person, in fact, I want to kill a person, I want to kill this stupid looking idiot on the other side of this cubicle partition thingy. Yes. I want to beat her ass to a pulp. Then I want to yell and fucking scream and knock things over and break shit in this stupid ghetto ass library at this stupid college. So, as a solution I took more vicodin, I'll just get stoned some more. The thing is I can feel my heart thudding in my chest kinda slow like. I hope I don't take too much and put myself in respiratory distress. Shoot. I should look up the max dosage online.