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JOURNAL: Good Stuffs

Posted Nov 10 2008 4:52pm

I have been negletcful in my entries and only reporting when I am feeling at the extreme ends of emotion and quite upset for one reason or another. Now I will make some entries of some of the progress I have made...

Not accepting the failure... that has been such a hard thing for me to over come. The meds cannot do a thing about it, that is 100% me. And there isn't a thing anyone can tell me to make it go away, but I have to do it inside my own head. I have made improvement though :D a couple of months ago it was not acceptable for me to earn a B in college. The thought of not having my 4.0 intact terrified the hell out of me and made me feel like a failure. However... I am now okay with a B. Yes. I just said I am okay getting a B in a course! (*huge* step!!!).

I became okay with that about two weeks ago, right after I got out of the hospital. In quite a round-about fashion, while being in the hospital and helping the other people in there accept their flaws and imperfections, and helping them work through their problems and finding them solutions... somehow helped me without anyone directly helping me. I hope that made sense. Receiving the appreciation from the other patients for what I did for them gave me a new value of my own self worth... and I became more accepting of myself and my limitations and accepting I am not perfect.

I am also getting better at the "me" time too :) my new reward system: record House on the DVR (I love that show) and watch it whenever I feel I am getting overwhelmed by my school workload. Sometimes I get to eat chocolate too. It's a bit of a routine of relaxation. I can also have Dr. Pepper while I study. No, it's not healthy... but it's refreshing. I allowed myself, for the first time earlier this afternoon, to take a nap when I was feeling tired from the Li. I usually push myself until I am falling asleep in my chair but today I said, "break time". I still feel kinda guilty for doing it... but it's improvement for me!

The hair pulling... I don't quite know why I do that. It usually occurs during the manic phase, and the best observation I have found is that I need to have more stimulation than what I am giving myself at the current time. The physical sensations keep me in the present and focused. Viewing it this way, I have been trying new alternative "sensations" to keep my hands off of my hairs. The best thing that has worked has actually been a fixation of mine since I was a little girl - playing with stickers. Anything sticky, I unconsciously played with it until the sticky-ness was gone.

So, I figured tactile sensation is tactile sensation whether is is a small pinch-pull of hair or the pull of stickyness... it's still a "pulling" feeling. I dug out a pack of the 1"x3" labels and play with them one at a time until they are not longer sticky enough, then I move on to the next one. If I am typing, as I am now, then I stick the sucker on my lips and can feel it pulling that way. Hahaha... okay I probably sound like a fruit-loop but heck, it works! I haven't been pulling hairs from my head if I am doing the sticky thing...

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