Bad news, I've been binge eatingagain. I wanted to purge afterwards but I cannot make myself throw up. I tried my ass off, but cannot do it. I can't puke. So I just binge. I get in this weird mode... and all I can think or want to do is stuff my face with mom's homemade soups, PB sammiches, whatever is around I just eat myself sick. And I want to stop but I cannot and I yell in my head for myself to stop but I don't until I am damn sick... And then I am embarrassed and hate myself. And then binge some more. And hate myself. Rinse and repeat. This is fueling the "depression" symptoms of my cycle.
I hate when I hate myself. And I am so embarassed to admit this. It only comes on periodically and when it does I gain weight. And I am very sensitive about my body image. I am ashamed about my body. I am ashamed about the way I look. I keep trying though to cope with it and see past the mirror and be happy with my inner beauty... but it doesn't always work.
I drink so much water to try to keep my belly full so when I do binge I cannot fit as much in there. I feel so dirty when I do it. And I try to keep it hidden from everyone. I have had this problem for so long now. Since I cannot purge afterwards I will try to go as long as I can without eating... and I can sometimes go for a few weeks doing well and losing weight and being healthy then I lose all of that and stuff my face sick.
There was one point in my life when this was not a daily issues for me - that was the few months over the summer when I achieved "balance" and was truly mentally healthy. It was amazing... as soon as my head meds were good... all of my related problems disappeared. Then I overloaded myself with working and a full school load and everything unraveled... and now I am trying to put myself back together again.
Today has been a gray colored day. I have felt discouraged. i want to give up. I don't see any hope. I feel lost. I feel alone. I am frustrated and angry. Hating myself. Loathing. Sooo... I look to the bright side. I am alive. I am physically mostly healthy. I have a loving family. I am still making it through this school semester. I have a little white doggie who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread.
I will keep trying. I am feeling setback, but I remind myself this is not the end of the road. I feel like complete crap and have been crying today... yet this too shall pass.